


Hollow

by introvertedwreck



Category: david dobrik - Fandom, liza koshy - Fandom, vlog squad
Genre: Angst, Blanking on tags?, Depression, Diza, F/M, Friendship, Grief, Lots of Crying, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-06-09 01:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15256188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/introvertedwreck/pseuds/introvertedwreck
Summary: It was cruel enough that Liza was taken so soon, but on the night that David was going to propose?Millions of people are left grief stricken by the death of Liza Koshy, but it hits nobody as hard as David Dobrik, the love of her life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first story I’m posting here, and it’s my first rough draft, oof. I thought of this idea and started it months before Diza announced their breakup, so I’m sorry, yikes. :(  
> Feedback is much appreciated!

If there was one thing David Dobrik couldn't do, it was sit still. Or stand still, in this situation. How could he, though? The man was pacing excitedly around his living room, a smile so cheesy it'd make pizza jealous. He was checking the time constantly, fiddling with his hair and clothing, you name it. His friends knew that telling him to chill would be a useless effort, because how could David possibly do that like, ever? Especially considering today was November 28, 2019, which would not only serve as his 4 year anniversary with Liza Koshy, but the day he chose to ask for her hand in marriage.  
David pulled the box out of his dress pants' pocket for the umpteenth time, and stared at the ring for a moment, before putting it back. He was really asking, tonight. Finally.  
People had urged him for years to marry Liza to ensure he'd be allowed to stay in the United States, and he'd had to explain time and time again that he didn't want to marry her for that reason. It had to be special, and special it would be. If there was one thing David was willing to wait for, it was Liza.

"David, you look like such a crackhead right now"  
He looked up in amusement at his friend, Zane, who was grinning from the doorway.  
"I'm just excited" David reflected his smile.  
"I know, you've been for the past like, month"  
It wasn't a lie. He was David fucking Dobrik for god sakes, and he was going to plan an elaborate marriage proposal for damn sure. He knew Liza was going to love it, and he could hardly wait to see the expression on her face. And when she found out all of their friends were involved in the preparation, she'd laugh and wonder how she hadn't noticed.  
David scoffed at that.  
"Should we film a bit right now? Like some kinda.. I don't know, prequel?"  
Zane nodded, chuckling at the fact that for once, David was the nervous one.  
"Good idea"  
David looked away from Zane and bellowed,  
"GUYS WE'RE FILMING" 

With that the 'vlog squad' as the fans had coined them, all flocked to the living room. None of them could possibly dream of matching the excitement of David (for basically obvious reasons) but they were still thrilled to see their friends happy. Some of them already had wedding fever and they weren't even engaged yet.  
They took a seat on the couch while David went to grab his camera. They were anxious to hear David's 'instructions' even though they'd been told this vlog would be more 'real'.  
Upon returning, he sat down across from them and said,  
"I'm just gonna ask about how you're feeling about the proposal and stuff" David shrugged.  
They nodded at that, as it was a pretty tame request considering what he's 'made' them do before. David turns on the camera and does just as he said.

"Dude I'm pumped"  
"Your wedding is gonna be fucking wild"  
Zane and Heath say.  
"Watch, you guys will just show up to eat and then leave" David jokes.  
Zane and heath lock eyes and laugh.  
"Duh"  
They continued making jokes, which was basically the usual. About Jason's failed marriage, Dom being too broke to contribute towards the wedding, Todd's jokes about the honeymoon, Scotty being sad... The list goes on. But then they all got on the sappy side and David, who was often jokingly deemed heartless, felt his heart swell with appreciation.  
"I kinda did get you guys together" Gabbie smiles.  
"You HELPED" David teases.  
She shrugs, giggling.  
"Well I'm happy I did"  
"I've always said that you guys make a great couple" Jason says, going into Dad mode.  
David couldn't even make a joke about that. He may tease the man relentlessly, but he could never say that he doesn't appreciate him.  
"Thanks, Jason" 

"Hey.. This is your moment, or at least half of it is... You should be on camera!" Matt suddenly adds.  
Josh offers to hold the camera for David, and begins filming him. David then speaks excitedly into the camera, saying,  
"So it's currently..." he checks his phone, "7:14 to be exact.. Liza's coming back from a nail appointment. We're going out for some food, and then after that is the big surprise"  
"And what might that be, David?" Zane practically squeaks.  
"Dude we just had a segment about us talking about the proposal, they already know what it is" David laughs, referring to his audience of over 10 million people at this point.  
Even just the word 'proposal' makes his heart pound.  
"Oh yeah no shit" Zane shakes his head, laughing along with him.  
"ANYWAY" David continues. "I'm really fucking excited, and I'm sure you guys are too"  
"Yeah they've only been begging you to get married for the past 4 years" Jason scoffs.  
David is about to respond, but his phone ringing interrupts him.

"Oh that's Liza" he blurts before instantly picking up.  
"Hey babe" He smiles.  
From behind the camera, Josh whisper yells "do I record this??" To which David gestures for him to basically shut the fuck up.  
"Hey! I'm pulling up in a minute, are you ready?"  
"Yeah I'll be outside"  
"Oh ok cool, love you"  
"Love you too"  
He then hangs up and sees Josh did in fact continue recording.  
"Anyway guys.. I'll be going to get some food now, I'll pick this up later, bye"  
With that, Josh stops recording.

"Imma get going, then" David grins, excitement building up even more considering how close he is to proposing. He feels for the box again to reassure that this isn't in fact a dream.  
There's a collective "bye David" from his friends as he's about to exit the house.  
"Bye thanks again guys!" He calls out as he leaves, and almost immediately, Liza pulls up in her car.  
David rushes up to the car and gets inside, only to be utterly stunned by Liza. She's dressed up, like she usually does for anniversaries, but tonight she's absolutely glowing.

"Whoa" he can't help but say, not even embarrassed by his own lovestruck goofiness.  
Liza eyes crinkle slightly as she smiles, blushing from the love and adoration in David's eyes. That's not a side of him that the fans get to see very often, and she feels special to know that she's the one that receives it.  
"Got my nails did" she says, holding her sparkly nails up for him to see.  
"Wow, you look like a disco ball" he teases, making her playfully slap him.  
"Shut up!"  
David shakes his head, smiling.  
"Shouldn't I be the one driving you?" He suddenly asks as she's about to put her foot on the gas pedal.  
"Why? Cause I'm a girl? You sexist monster!"  
David scoffs.  
"Duh, you know your place is in the kitchen, not behind the steering wheel"  
She giggles as she actually begins to drive to their favorite restaurant. 

Liza may be described as "corny" by some people because of her humor on her channel, but her and David often have some pretty dark, raunchy banter between them. That joke is absolutely nothing compared to how they can be, or what's been seen on his channel, and she absolutely loves it.  
The drive to the restaurant is filled with jokes and cheesy compliments thrown around here and there. That carries on inside the restaurant of course, too.  
Liza can't help but notice that David is even more jumpy than usual, though.  
"How much crack did you snort before coming here, David? Geez" she chuckles. An old couple shoots them a glare that makes David nearly spit out his drink.

"Just a little bit, damn. Calling me out..." He responds with an eye roll that makes her click her tongue and mumble about rehab.  
Their jokes take a pause when David stares at her with heart eyes. His face makes Liza's change from humorous to loving in a heartbeat.  
"I love you" he grins at her. "And I'm so happy you're my girlfriend"  
Soon to be fiancé, and then wife...  
Liza's blush returns.  
"I love you, too, and I'm so happy that you're my girlfriend, too"  
He chuckles at that and shakes his head.  
He knows he's being cheesy, but he doesn't care. Tonight is extra special.

"Thank you SO much" he smiles as he looks back up at Liza.  
She looks him up and down.  
"This is a good look... Did you film at all today?"  
"Just a little bit"  
"In that outfit?"  
"Yup"  
"There's gonna be a riot at the fact that you're not wearing a baseball cap"  
"Or a black t shirt-"  
"Or black jeans"  
David mocks shock.  
"I'm appalled"  
"The audacity"  
He's about to respond when the waiter returns, and he has to struggle to remain serious.

He finds amusement in the fact that he's going to be a husband. It sounds so... Adult. In some ways, David still sees himself as a child. The viewers agree with that opinion, too, noting his antics with his friends.  
Not to mention that in a few years time, they'll have kids of their own... That should be interesting. Even if he's jumping ahead, David can't help but be excited at what's ahead for him and Liza. He loves her so much that whatever path they decide to take, he'll just be happy knowing that they'll be going through it together.  
"David? Hello? Earth to David" Liza calls in a sing song voice. He snaps out of it and feigns attentiveness.  
"Yes?"  
She giggles.  
"What were you thinking about?"  
"I was thinking about something?"  
"I know right, I'm surprised too"  
"Yeah it's a first"  
Liza scoffs.  
"No but.." David starts. "I'm just thinking about how much fun we're gonna have tonight" he ends with a wink.  
"Ooh I'm excited" she says with a seductive twinkle in her eye.  
He hopes she knows that that isn't the only thing that their anniversary will entail, though. Then again, she'll find out soon anyway.

"Oh!" David spoke his thoughts aloud.  
Liza raised an eyebrow that she'd perfected through makeup that David didn't even think she needed.  
"What?"  
"I um... I gotta go to the bathroom real quick, one sec"  
She nodded, and he shot up to head there. He immediately pulled out his phone and debated who to text. He could contact Jason, but he typed kinda slow, so he went with Gabbie. She tended to respond embarrassingly fast, which is what David needed at a frantic time like this.

"Hey" he texted.  
Within 20 seconds, she replied with,  
"Hey what's up"  
He tapped his foot as he typed by the sink.  
"Just anxious. Everything set up?"  
"Yep (: you guys coming home soon or...?"  
"Thanks And yeah I'll let you know when we're outside the house"  
"Kk cool"  
With that he put his phone in his pocket, where he also felt for the box again. He was struggling to remain composed, and he wanted to keep it a surprise. That was one reason why he'd had the proposal set up in his backyard. He didn't want her to anticipate anything by driving out to some random location.  
David took a deep breath and returned to Liza, who looked confused at his demeanor but didn't question it. That was David, he could be weird, but she loved it.

Pretty soon after, they were handed the bill and were leaving the restaurant. As they got to the car, David suddenly said,  
"Wait!"  
With that she turned around and looked up in questioning, before being suddenly pulled in for a kiss. He held her face in his hands, and she relaxed after just a few seconds. David prolonged the kiss, wanting it to be a special one. After all, this would be his last kiss with her as his girlfriend, before she'd be his fiancé.  
Once they pulled away, they smiled, both of them a mess of blushes and giggles.  
"Well that was nice" she grinned, scrunching her nose.  
"Why thank you" he cheekily replied.  
She shook her head in amusement, before going to head to the drivers seat.  
"Wait!" He called out again.  
"Anotha one?" Liza joked, making David snicker.  
"Not yet but.. Let me drive you. You drove here, so.."  
She raised an eyebrow again at his silliness.  
"Can I be the man this time?" He said with puppy dog eyes.  
"The man?" She chuckled.  
"You know what I mean" he whined.  
"Fine, wife- well, husband I guess"  
He rolled his eyes as Liza walked over to the passenger side, to which David opened her door like a gentleman. She smiled in appreciation, and with that, he headed to the drivers seat and they were house bound.

"Okay you look REALLY excited" Liza chuckled at David's nonstop grinning.  
"Cause I am" he said, not even trying to hide it, because he wouldn't be able to. He figured she'd just think he's excited for them to fuck or something, even if he planned so much more than that. Or maybe she knew he planned something but not to the extent of this proposal.  
"Well I'm excited too, then... or should I be nervous?" Liza asked. "You always plan scary things and pretend they're good things"  
"Don't worry" David says, making his voice sound cryptic just to freak her out.  
"Oh god, watch, you probably got a bear for our anniversary"  
"Pfft" he chuckled as he turned into a busy intersection. Better for her to think he brought a bear to the house than to spoil the biggest surprise of her life.  
"Great" Liza sighed, still unable to hold back a smile despite mild concern.  
As the light was about to turn green, David got a look at the time, and was pleased to see they were right on schedule.  
"No but.."  
It turned green and he began to cross.  
"... I think you'll actually enjoy this"  
He couldn't keep up the possible bear or other dangerous animal shtick either, apparently.  
An amused smile took over Liza's features.  
"Whatever you say, David"  
What happened next was something neither of them initially saw coming. David only did so at the very last second. David's eyes couldn't even fully widen in horror when the truck sped through the intersection and slammed into the passenger side of their car. The last thing David saw before the world abruptly blackened was Liza smiling in unassuming amusement.  
\---


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay, where the fuck are they?" Gabbie groaned. She'd always been a stickler for time, and she figured David would be as well tonight, considering the occasion.

"It's literally been 10 minutes", Zane reminded her. He'd said the same thing, except replacing 10 with 5 minutes ago.  
"I know... I'm just excited, I'd have thought that David would be speeding over here" she chuckled, realizing she's being a tad bit dramatic. Despite that acknowledgement, she couldn't shake the growing feeling of anxiety that made her heart pound. _It's no big deal, Gab. This is why people call you dramatic, always jumping to conclusions..._  
"They're probably just stuck in traffic" Jason reminded, being the logical one as per usual. Another 30 minutes passed before there was genuine concern building up among the group of friends.  
"I'll text him" Brandon sighed.  
"I already did that" Gabbie answered in an exasperated tone.  
"So did I" Zane added.   
"And me" Heath blurted..  
"Me too-" Scotty said.  
"Ok geez guys, I understand" Brandon sighed.  
"I know you're all millennials, but did anyone think of calling David?" Jason said, once again assuming Dad mode.  
"Yeah, once" Todd replied.  
"Okay... Try again" Jason slowly said in a patronizing manner. He was trying to hide his worry through this attitude. It just wasn't like David to be late for something so important. Not to mention that being held up by traffic is often a daily dilemma in LA, but David wouldn't hold back on at least sending a text.

They called both David and Liza, receiving no answers whatsoever. An hour and a half past the expected arrival time, the friends had a worry in the pit of their stomachs that refused to go away until they knew what was up. They felt helpless, though. Everyone they'd normally call to figure out where a person was happened to all be in the same place.  
"Let's not freak the fuck out yet. Who knows what could've happened-" Heath started, trying to alleviate concerns.  
"Yeah exactly, we don't know what could've happened!" Gabbie responds in an exasperated tone. Heath was about to give her a snarky response, but he quickly shut his mouth. "They could pull up at any moment, though. Should we really be staring out the window and potentially ruin the whole surprise?" Todd shrugs, again trying not to focus on the unknown. There IS still a proposal happening (hopefully). The group instead just stares at him with looks of annoyance, because it'd been too long of a wait without a response for the proposal to be of number one concern. Their thoughts were shifting to whether or not David and Liza were in some sort of danger and/or or had been severely inconvenienced. Todd cringed at himself for once, due to his attempt at calming the group falling flat and making himself look like an insensitive asshole. 

An hour and a half slowly melded into two, and then three. Panic spread like a virus, creating tension so thick it’d need to be cut with a chainsaw. The friends paced around the home, checking their phones every five seconds. When they weren’t checking the front windows for Liza’s car to pull up, they were staring longingly out at the backyard at the beautiful proposal set up. There was no doubt in their minds that something terrible had taken place. Even the most optimistic members of their group couldn’t convince themselves that everything was okay.  
And then there was a police car pulling outside the house, and the friends were crowding around the door with horrified expressions, because the reality of their situation seemed to hit.

A middle aged police officer approached their front door, and Heath opened it before the officer would even need to knock.  
“Hello” The man greeted in a serious tone, eyeing the pale faced group. “Are any of you related to Liza Koshy or David Dobrik, or are you just friends?”  
“Friends” Kristen replied in a shaky tone.  
They really felt like family, though.  
The officer nodded.  
“I see... I’m sorry to inform you of this, but-“  
They held their breath.  
“But your friends were in a serious car accident about three hours ago”  
The breath that the group had been holding seemed to get stuck in some of their throats, and they felt as though they were choking on air.  
“Are they alive?” Gabbie asked, tears welling in her doe eyes. The expression on the officer’s face was apologetic, and that turned their blood icy cold.  
“I’m sorry, but I’m receiving conflicting reports. What I do know is that they were rushed to the hospital-“  
“What hospital?!” Gabbie interjected.  
The officer tells them, and they note that it’s not far from where they currently are. From there, the officer tells them to speak to the doctors and whatnot, which they obviously would be doing. The group sprung into action from there, and piled into their cars to race to the hospital.  
~

‘Worried’ is an understatement as to how the group was feeling. No, fear had shook their entire being, and they were frenzied as they drove to the hospital. Scotty was screamed at to drive faster, but frankly his hands were shaking so badly that if he attempted to do so, they may end up in the hospital, too.

A multitude of questions raced through their minds, and they thoroughly dissected the officer’s words. He’d said ‘serious’. How badly were they injured though? Were they even conscious at this point? The worst of all was wondering if they were even alive. The officer would’ve known that piece, right? They were torn between desperately wanting answers and wondering if they wanted to know them at all. Once they pulled up to the hospital and managed to find a parking space, they bolted inside to find out information regarding their friends health and frighteningly, their lives.

Once they reached the front desk, the questions came flying out of everyone’s mouths. They realized they were talking over each other and paused, Jason being the first to ask an understandable question.  
“Are David Dobrik and Liza Koshy here??” He panted.  
The mildly startled nurse answered,  
“Yes... Are any of you family?”  
Gabbie stepped up next to Jason.  
“No, their families are out of state, can we please talk to somebody about how they’re doing? Please?” She asked on the verge of tears. A sympathetic expression took over the nurses face.  
“I’ll have Doctor Micheals talk to all of you soon, just wait here”  
“Thank you” They all croaked, concern wracking their voices. They took a seat in the waiting room chairs, tapping their feet and anxiously waiting with pounding hearts and a cold sweat covering their bodies.

The religious members of the group suggested a prayer, to which all of them agreed to. They put their heads down and prayed for the safety and well being of their friends.  
“Who knows... Maybe they’ll look back on this and laugh about the bad luck they had” Zane dryly says, the life seemingly sucked out of him like a vacuum. He was scary when he was serious.  
The others couldn’t bring themselves to even fake a laugh.  
~  
“Are you friends of David and Liza?”  
The friends jumped at the sound of the doctor standing in front of them. They’d zoned out after awhile, lost in thought, their fear numbing their minds.  
They stood up quickly.  
“Yes” they answered.  
Doctor Michaels nodded, a grave look in his eyes that terrified them.  
“David is in stable condition” he started, making them sigh in momentary relief. David, their sometimes sadistic, but also immensely generous friend was alive.  
“He broke his leg and bruised a couple ribs. He also sustained quite a few lacerations and bruises. He’ll be staying here for a few days to recuperate, and will be weak from the blood loss, but will otherwise make a full recovery”  
Another relief. They wanted him alive above all, but the scenario of David coming out of the accident with severe brain damage crossed their minds, too.

But there was a question that ebbed at their minds relentlessly.  
“What about Liza?” Gabbie croaked.  
Doctor Michaels’ face remained stoic.  
“As for Liza...”  
The pause said it all.  
“I’m so sorry, but we couldn’t save her. We did everything that we could, but it wasn’t enough”  
The rest of his words were drowned out by the sorrowful sounds that were emitted by the group of friends. He walked away, as he’d seen this time and time again and knew that they needed to be alone.  
Kristen let out this loud sob that echoed throughout the lobby, practically screaming as she clung to Scotty like he was a life raft, wailing into his chest.  
Scotty’s eyes had welled up at this point, and he wrapped his arms around his grief stricken girlfriend, kissing the top of her head. The tears slowly dripped down his face, landing on top of her head.

Todd, who never cried, was beginning to break down, having to take a seat and put his head in his hands. Most of the others had clung to each other in this circle of mourning as they cried at the loss of one of their best friends.  
All the while, Jason stood there with a stunned expression, so stunned he couldn’t even move, let alone cry.

“Oh god, poor David. Who’s gonna tell him?” Gabbie sobbed, looking up at Zane for a moment, as she’d just been tightly hugging him. He opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He simply pulled her back against him, where she continued to soak his shirt with tears of woe.  
Heath was in a similar state as Jason, too stunned to cry, but not too stunned to speak.  
“What the fuck” He said under his breath, looking up and shaking his head, as if at God Himself.

It wasn’t fair at all... David and Liza deserved to be happy. They were the power couple, everybody thought they were unstoppable. After all they’d been through...  
Still, they couldn’t have been more wrong.  
As they stood there in that hallway, wailing and crying, they realized that they would never ever be the same. Liza was the heart of the vlog squad, she was their light, a friend to all of them. And she was gone forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> David receives the news

A dark cloud hung over the group at the other realization they had;  
That someone was going to have to tell David the worst news of his entire life.  
Once they’d calmed down to the point of at least being able to get one word out without sobbing (which took awhile), they sat down and attempted to be pragmatic. Tears continued to still roll down some of their faces, though. They could only control their emotions so much at a time like this.  
“We could always have a doctor tell him”  
“No... That’s not fair. He needs to hear it from somebody close at the very least”  
“I can’t do it...”  
“Neither can I..”  
“Fuck”  
They put their head in their hands. It was hard enough hearing it, but repeating it? They sat in silence for a few more minutes, trying to collect themselves. Finally, a voice spoke up.  
“I’ll do it” Jason softly said.

....  
The friends had been grateful that Jason volunteered. They’d certainly be there to help each other afterward, but having to tell David was something that none felt they were capable of doing well enough.  
Jason stood up from the chair to speak to Doctor Michaels once again, asking if David was awake. He may have said that he was, but they were too distracted by the heavier news for it to register.  
“He should be soon, yes”  
Jason sighed, but he couldn’t say it was out of relief. However, that obviously meant nobody had told him the news before Jason had the chance to.  
“It’s okay to visit him? I need to tell him what happened..”  
Doctor Michaels nodded in agreement.  
“I understand. You can go now, it’s room 652”  
Jason muttered a quiet thanks before slowly heading in the direction of the room. He stood outside, mentally preparing himself. He’d never had to deliver news like this... What was he supposed to say?  
Then again, there was no way of putting it that would ease David’s pain.

With a heavy sigh after minutes of contemplation, Jason went inside to visit him.  
He was taken aback by David’s sleeping form in the hospital bed. His face was bruised, small cuts littering it as well. A cast covered his right leg, a black bandage holding stitches in place on his left hand. Bruises and bandaids covered some areas of his arms as well. That was about all the damage that Jason could see upfront. With a frown, he grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it next to the bed. He’d just have to wait.  
...  
David had been stuck in this dreamless fog of a sleep that had been induced by pain medication. He wasn’t aware of the fog in the same way that someone wouldn’t be aware that they’re dreaming. That is, until they woke up and recalled their adventures. That fog slowly faded until the light broke through, and David’s eyes opened.  
...  
At the rapid blinking of David’s chocolate brown eyes, Jason sat up straighter, his heart pounding at the news he’d very soon have to tell. After a few moments of getting used to being awake, David turned his aching head towards Jason and just stared at him. It sent shivers down Jason’s spine.  
“Hi David..” he awkwardly greeted, not being able to handle the silence.  
David furrowed his eyebrows.  
“Hi...”

He looked down at his battered form.  
“What’d I do? A stunt go wrong or something?” He weakly smiled. He was tired and out of it, barely out of the fog.  
Jason eyed him sadly.  
“Well you didn’t do anything...”  
“No stunts?”  
“No...”  
David shut his eyes, and Jason wondered for a few seconds if he’d just gone right back to sleep. He hoped he did just to stall the news, but he quickly opened them again.  
“What do you remember?” Jason blurted out. David narrowed his eyes, trying to think.

“Um...” he practically whispered. It was on the tip of his tongue, he knew that. Jason waited, not wanting to feed him answers.  
“I don’t know, but things hurt” David oh so eloquently put it.  
Jason realized with dread that he may HAVE to feed him the answers to trigger those memories.  
“Um.. Well..” he cleared his throat.  
David was eyeing him curiously, growing more confused as he slowly became more alert.  
“You had something special that was supposed to happen tonight?” Jason put it as vaguely as possible. A smile graced David’s bruised face.  
“I proposed?”  
Jason knew this was going to be even harder than he thought.  
“Wait... No.. I was GONNA propose” David corrected himself. He was quickly becoming more aware of his situation.  
“Shit... Liza and I crashed over on fucking....” The name of the street was lost in a distant fog in his mind, too far away to be retrieved. He rolled his eyes, moving past that.  
“Yeah?”  
Jason nodded.  
“Yeah... The doctor said you’ll be staying here for a couple days. Broke your leg as you probably saw, bruised a few ribs.. Probably felt those..”  
David bit his lip.  
“How’s Liza? She in another room?”  
As his alertness grew, his concern did as well.  
“Um..”  
“Where is she?”  
“David-“  
“I wanna see her”

The memory of the truck crashing into the passenger side surged back, taking David by storm.  
“Holy fuck Jason, I remember.... The truck.. I wanted her to sit in the passenger seat, I wanted to drive her. God she’ll be so mad at me, she got it worse huh..”  
Jason held up his hands as a gesture for David to slow it down.  
“Can you listen to me for a moment?”  
David’s heart rate picked up, as evidenced by the increased beeping of the machine next to him.  
“How is she? You never answered me. Why didn’t you answer me?” David asks, his eyes growing wide.  
Jason swore under his breath, feeling the situation grow out of control and fast. He needed to tell him.  
“Don’t just stare at me, spit it out!” David demanded, his lip wobbling. He tried to sound enraged so he’d get what he wanted (an answer) but his panic and dread was taking over.

Jason stared at David, trying to formulate the words but also remain calm for him.  
David made a weak swipe to grab the front of Jason’s shirt and pull him closer, trying to ignore the intense pain in his core at even the subtle movement. However, Jason easily took his hand away.  
“I’m not telling you until you’re calm-“  
“HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE CALM WHEN YOU’RE ACTING LIKE THIS? JUST FUCKING TELL ME”  
Jason’s lack of an answer to his repeated questioning was telling for David, and he was frantic at this point.  
Jason’s voice hardened.  
“David. Stop.”  
He quickly nodded and lay back against the pillows again. His expression softened slightly.  
Jason took a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare as much as he could, but he knew this was merely the calm before a huge storm.  
“David... I don’t know how to tell you this...”  
His eyes filled with tears before he even finished saying what David had dreaded.  
“.. but Liza’s gone. She’s dead, David. I’m so sorry”

David wasn’t one to stay quiet for very long. His patterns didn’t deviate even now, as he stared at Jason with his mouth hanging open for only a few moments, before speaking. As soon as he did, those pooled tears began to fall like a heavy rainstorm.  
“No... This isn’t funny, Jason..”  
“I’m not-“  
“I know you guys just want to mess with me and there’s probably a fucking camera in here and you’re trying to get back at me for pulling fucked up pranks, but this isn’t funny at ALL” David cried, knowing that no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that this was some cruel joke played on him, that that wasn’t the case. Shock and devastation weren’t enough to explain the level of intense pain that clutched at his heart and threatened to rip it to shreds. 

“I wish it were a joke, all of us do” Jason said, feeling his heart ache for David, because the pain was so evident on his face and in his words. He felt he’d done this so incredibly wrong, and he had no idea what to do at this point to comfort him. How could you comfort somebody who lost the love of their life?  
The image of the last expression he saw on Liza’s face flashes through David’s mind as he breaks down sobbing.  
“Goddammit, this isn’t fair”  
“I know, David”  
“I was supposed to... We were going to...”  
Jason sits there and watches David break down, feeling utterly helpless. Does he hug him? Pat him on the back? What?  
Meanwhile, David cries over the fact that he’ll never see her again. How they’ll never get to go on their adventures again, or plan any more. How he never got to propose and get married, settle down, and have babies. She died before he got the chance to fully prove his love to her. To top it off, David couldn’t help but blame himself.

From the waiting room, the friends were sitting around, emotionally exhausted. Jason had been in David’s room for at least half an hour, but they were too afraid to check on them. They’d agreed to wait for Jason to come out and fill them in.  
“Have the authorities called Liza’s family?” Gabbie quietly asked.  
“I asked. They said they did” Kristen replies.  
“Should we release a statement... Before people start hearing rumors and make assumptions or...” Zane asks.  
“We’ll ask her family for permission, I think that’s what they’d want” Gabbie says.  
“Alright”  
....  
“It’s my fault, Jason” David wailed.  
The older man stared at him with confusion.  
“How could it possibly be your fault?”  
“I fucking... she was gonna drive, but I fucking insisted that I do for some reason. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t be... She’d still be here”  
“And how do you know that? What if both of you had died?”  
“Maybe that would’ve been fucking better”

...  
After receiving permission from Liza’s family, the friends each released statements regarding Liza’s death, and David’s current condition. Comments immediately began pouring in, and reports were quickly released by various news stations despite the late hour. They quickly put their phones away though, not being able to handle seeing the fans’ pain. After all, they were barely able to cope with their own. ...  
“In no way, shape or form would that be better”  
David shook his head, tears falling onto the tan blanket and seeping into the fibers.  
“Everything happens for a reason” Jason said, but then instantly regretted it.

“Aw fuck, I didn’t mean that” he quickly says. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to say right now, and I wish I did. I know that no matter what I say, this is an awful situation, but I’m here for you. All of us are... If you want to see anybody in particular..” Jason rambled.  
“I want everyone to leave me alone” David sniffled. As fucked up as it sounds, Jason was relieved.  
“Okay... I’ll be close by if you need me..”  
David didn’t say a word as Jason walked out of the room almost too quickly.  
His appearance got everybody’s attention as he walked back in.  
“How’d it go?” Heath asks.  
“As well as you’d expect it to” Jason sighs as he takes a seat.  
“He doesn’t want anyone to be around him right now”  
With that came the question of what to do next. “I’m more than willing to stay here” Gabbie insisted. “David wants to be alone, though. And it’s late.. Would it be better if we just went home and slept, maybe showed up early tomorrow?” Alex asked, and the group agreed. Tomorrow is a new day, and the beginning of their new lives in a painful reality. They needed the energy to be there for each other as not to lose themselves in their grief. Above all though, their concern lied with Liza’s family, and their heartbroken friend in room 652.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this update is so short, but I wanted to just get something posted. Which is also why it’s terrible lol

To accurately describe the pain that David was in would be utterly impossible. The man was seemingly reduced to the state of a small child as he laid on his side and wailed into his pillow. In his mind clouded by shock and grief, he begged any higher power up above for all of this to just be a nightmare. That he’d wake up in a cold sweat, but Liza would be right next to him, and more than willing to comfort him.

But, no. That wasn’t how life worked, which is why David was left to lay injured in a hospital bed while Liza was in the morgue. Despite the intense pain of his bruised ribs, David couldn’t cease his sobbing. Each deep inhale sparked a stabbing pain, but it was nothing compared to the one in his heart. After all the couple had gone through, every hurdle they’ve managed to jump over, that was how it ended? Tragically? David cried himself to sleep that night, and would do so for many more.

-

When the members of the “vlog squad” woke up the following morning, they were bombarded with notifications about Liza’s death. Their first painful, unwanted reminder of the day. A variety of titles were being slapped onto articles, which included, “Internet star Liza Koshy tragically killed in car accident” “Fans left mourning after Liza Koshy dies in car accident” “Liza Koshy dead from car accident; David Dobrik reportedly in stable condition”

On Twitter, #ripLiza and #prayfordavid were trending worldwide. The friends’ notifications were blowing up with fans’ tweets wishing them well, which was sweet, but unable to be fully appreciated at that time. Even waking up and not seeing texts from David about meeting up to shoot vlog footage truly solidified their circumstances. Seeing the headlines plastered across every social media platform, and not seeing any texts from David or Liza was beyond eerie.

The friends that were actually awake (some sat up all night crying, or merely staring at their ceilings in shock), quickly made their way out the door and to the hospital to check up on David. They just wanted to see him. Because after the barrage of headlines and notifications, it was feeling like David was dead, too. After reaching the floor that David was staying on, it hit them that they’d only just heard the news. How could one event feel like seconds but years at the same time?

Despite the surreality of it all, they were quick to ask about David’s condition. A young, jittery nurse gave the friends a sympathetic look. “Well, physically he’s stable, but he’s been understandably....” She furrowed her eyebrows, fearful of saying the wrong thing while also not knowing what to say at all. “... Upset?” She quickly guided the friends into the hospital room where David lay, and left the scene.

The David laying on that hospital bed was the furthest person from the man who’d been proudly holding up Liza’s engagement ring just the prior afternoon. “Almost engaged” David was beaming, radiating joy wherever he went. This David was staring off into space, his eyes leaking tears like a faucet. Those warm eyes that previously crinkled from the nonstop grinning were now an irritated red. “Hi David” Carly practically whispered, shifting uncomfortably. David didn’t acknowledge her whatsoever, still remaining focused on that one spot. The air was thick with uncertainty. “Everybody’s been worried about you.. All of the fans on social media, us of course” Jason adds. Still, nothing. Scotty was the first to approach his bed, with Kristen holding back out of discomfort. She wanted to comfort him, but she didn’t know how. She barely knew how to contain her own emotions regarding Liza, after all.

“Look, dude..” Scotty sighed. “Nothing we say is gonna make this better, I know. But just know we love you and we’re here for you” The words were simple, arguably cliche to some. But they held power, and they changed something within David. The man looked up, nodded, and held out his arms for a hug, much to Scotty’s surprise. Scotty held David against him as he softly cried and muttered “thank you” over and over again. Their friends watching from close by leaned closer to each other for their own form of support.  _We really aren’t going to be the same, are we?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just quickly typed this chapter up! I feel like my updates are really short, oof.

The days following were hectic, to say the least. David was released from the hospital, which also meant unfortunatelyreturning to an empty house (he couldn’t bear to call it a home anymore). Knowing this, several friends offered to stay over under the guise of “helping him get around”. After all, David was still struggling with his crutches and wincing from certain jabs to his ribs by even the most subtle movements. It wasn’t a complete lie.

David wasn’t willing to put up much of a fight regarding their presence, because after all... He wasn’t sure if he was ready to be completely alone in that house, either. So, with that, everybody seemed to be going in and out of his house, dropping off flowers, ‘get well soon’ and ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ cards. Despite the surreality of his situation and the often disconnect from his reality, David was aware that his friends were walking on eggshells around him. Even asking him if he wanted a glass of water was said with trepidation.

-

David was seated on his couch with his leg propped up on several pillows, thinking intensely about the funeral that would be occurring in a few days. He’d found it confusing that he’d desperately wanted to be involved in the process, yet also wanted to stay as far away from it as possible. How was he supposed to work with that?

He glanced to his right side, where Liza’s stuffed elephant (Pookie) was set. The presence of that damn thing was both comforting and torturous. David had been contemplating whether or not to bury Pookie with Liza (unless she’s cremated) or keep it for himself.

Here come the waterworks.

His heart was heavy as he recalled the time he gave her the painting featuring the stuffed animal, and she was so appreciative that she cried. The painting was hung in their bedroom, and was one of the first pictures they put up when they finally moved in together.

A couple tears drip down David’s face as if they hadn’t been consistently pouring since he heard the godawful news. It seemed as though he could only go a few minutes without breaking down crying. When he’d left the hospital and had his clothing returned to him in a bag, the sight of the ring box inside had made him sob so hard that his friends were concerned he’d pass out.

“I’m worried about him” Gabbie quietly commented to the other people stood in the kitchen as they watched David cry on the living room couch.

“We all are, but you know... He’s grieving” Zane sighed.

“I know, but today’s gonna be hard”

Liza’s parents were visiting the house today to discuss funeral arrangements, take home some of their daughter’s items,and more. It was bound to be an emotional experience, and that it was.

Upon arrival, David had attempted to stand up and greet them, but everyone insisted he stayed seated. Either way, Liza’s parents and David took one look at each other, before they were both enveloping each other in hugs and crying into each other’s shoulders. They had a near mutual understanding of each other’s pain, which reflected from their eyes. Once they’d somewhat collected themselves, they sat down to discuss the logistics of the situation, trying to put on strong demeanors.

Liza was to be buried in Los Angeles, because that’s where her life completely changed, and she “blossomed” as her Mother put it.  _And where we met, fell in love, and she..._

Her parents had to hold back sobs as her Mother said that it’d be a closed casket funeral. David struggled to only allow tears to pool in his eyes, and not fall.

David insisted on paying for the funeral costs, wanting to have the best for his love, and not further burden her parents. As David stared at the people who made the beautiful person that enhanced his life in every way possible, one thought seemed to circulate through his mind;“I’m sorry I caused this”

He could hear Jason scolding him in his head about how the accident wasn’t his fault, and yes. It wasn’t. But David would never forgive himself for changing his mind that night, because that one decision is what made the world a whole lot darker. David thought that had he been in that passenger seat, the world would’ve moved on just fine.

~

Nighttime was awful. It took hours for David to fall asleep, and when he finally did, Liza’s presence teased him in his dreams (which quickly became nightmares). One second he’d be reaching out to cup a smiling Liza’s cheek, and the next she’d be emitting terrifying screams. He’d will himself to wake up as a bloodied Liza (whose face was riddled with glass and cuts) would approach him begging for him to save her. He never managed to do so, and he’d wake up panting and holding a hand over his racing heart. However, the worst dreams to wake up from were surprisingly the good ones. They’d be sat in a serene environment, while holding hands and smiling. Liza radiated beauty in such a way that you couldn’t believe that ugliness existed in the world when you gazed at her. David always seemed to wake up as they were about to kiss, never being allowed to indulge in her sweet touch.

No matter how many days passed (they felt like years), David would look over and check if Liza was sleeping soundly next to him. Her absence was a stab in the heart, an ache in his soul. He missed her like she’d been gone for decades, yet her loss was fresh in everybody’s minds. It seemed all he could do was stare up above and hope that wherever Liza was, she was doing exceptionally better than David. All he’d wanted for her was peace and happiness, and though it’d taken a long time for her on Earth, maybe she was thriving like she never had before in another world. David wished that they didn’t have to be apart. However, the thought of joining her made a soft smile play on his lips as he fell back into dream land.


	6. Chapter 6

David stood outside the church doors with a pounding heart and sweaty palms. He was afraid, no, petrified. Going inside meant having to see hundreds of mourners, have his almost fiancé discussed in the past tense...  
A coffin containing Liza; her shell.  
His friends stood around David, eyeing him concernedly. The man was just staring off into space, his breathing unsteady.  
“David? The services are starting soon” Scotty gently reminded him. David rapidly blinked, staring hazily at his friend. He heavily sighed.  
“I know, it’s just..”  
How do you explain the sheer pain of having your life fall apart? The terror of having to accept that somebody he cared so deeply about wasn’t around anymore.  
“I can’t”  
David would never forgive himself if he just didn’t go inside, but in that moment, the task seemed far too daunting. A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Todd staring at him sympathetically.  
“We’re all here for you, man. For each other...”  
“Yeah, we’ll go in together. It’ll be okay” Zane attempted to reassure.  
_Liar_

  
However David felt about comments he read too far into, he agreed and braced himself for an emotional rollercoaster. He struggled to get inside the church, physically with the crutches, and mentally at the prospect of life without her. As soon as his eyes landed on the pristine white coffin centered at the front of the room, David struggled to hold back tears.  
This isn’t real  
One fell down his face, landing on the collar of his dress shirt.  
Liza’s fine. She’s just on a trip somewhere far away, she’ll be back soon. She’s fine. She’s fine. She’s fine. She’s fine. She’s fine-  
And then he was taking a seat and watching with a crushed spirit as the services began. __  
-  
There were typical prayers and messages to be taken from a ‘young life being lost’. David had managed to remain composed during those discussions. However, his tears picked up significantly at the videos of Liza growing up, to more recent years. Videos featuring David and their friends, and fun times that have to be regarded as bittersweet memories. After all, they’re unable to make any more. Videos and photos of the two together sparked a smidgen of happiness within David, only for him to look down and see the coffin.  
 _She’s not fine, which means I never will be again, either._  
So many lives had been turned upside down due to this tragedy. Her family, David, friends, the fans. Even the man that had barreled through the intersection and caused the accident had suffered greatly. He was in a coma, and whether he would emerge from it was questionable. Despite David’s feelings of utter disgust and anger towards the man, the grief and sadness were far more crushing.  
David’s mind came back from its cycle of scattered thoughts, and to the fact that Mrs. Koshy was stepping forward to give a speech. She was strong, he noted. Much stronger than him, it seemed. While there were tears that she was struggling to hold back, she could still put on a smile as she spoke fondly of her little girl. She sniffled as she spoke of how proud she was of Liza, of how she’d influenced millions of people with a positive, humorous attitude. “We can take lessons from Liza” she’d said. “She’ll never be forgotten because her impact was far too strong for that”.  
David’s eyes were pulled to the casket again like a magnetic force.  
_I’ll never forget you_  
This would be a blessing and a curse.  
-  
While the services had left David’s heart aching and caused plenty of tears to fall, it was nothing compared to the moment that Liza’s coffin was lowered into the ground. It was as if a dam had broken, and David could barely stand, his form hunched as he let out sobs that were so intense, they were practically silent. He could hardly catch his breath, but he couldn’t care less. He didn’t want to believe that she was inside of that coffin. He didn’t want to believe that this entire service was dedicated to her because she’d died. But no, reality had wrapped its ghoulish hand around David’s throat and shook him hard. She was gone forever, and David was left to suffer in her absence. And suffer, he did.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life without Liza.

Eventually David’s friends returned to their own homes, putting an end to the extended sleepover. This wasn’t their decision. While they had lives like everybody else, they were more than willing to stick around for David. That may not have meant spending all their time at his house, but they offered to visit frequently nonetheless.  
David had been adamantly against this.

He saw the way they looked at him with pity, and how pretended to understand.  
They didn’t.  
David found himself possessing a rage that burned hotter than the depths of Hell whenever they attempted to reassure and understand him. All while looking at him like he was a maniac. What David failed to see was that they were hurting, too. Due to his disconnect from social media (for once in his life), he wasn’t noticing the effort they’d put into tribute videos. He didn’t know that they were crying themselves to sleep every night over the loss of a dear, true friend. 

Fed up, David rather rudely told his friends to leave him alone and get out of his house. As hurt as they were, they had to repeatedly tell themselves that they needed to be understanding of David. They did as he demanded, leaving him completely alone. To his surprise, the fear of being alone in the house prior to the funeral had vanished. He savored the alone time, losing that concern over seeming “too depressed” or “too angry”. He was alone to do as he pleased, and not give a shit about what other people thought of his behavior.

Which meant a lot of laying on the couch, or in bed, the only thing on his mind being Liza. She haunted him day and night. Her voice was in his ear making him ache to hear it in person, her screams haunted his dreams, and all the while he was left to cry about the fact that he was destined to feel this way forever; lost. 

Liza was the only person in his life that he felt comfortable turning to for whatever reason. If he found something humorous, upsetting, angering, or anything, she was his go to. Without his go to, who was left? As many people as he had in his life, he still felt bitterly alone because there wasn’t anyone left to understand David the way Liza did. How was he supposed to cope with that?

Every corner of the house contained memories of the two. The kitchen was where they’d sometimes concoct horrific meals, and other times they were jokingly referring to themselves as Gordon Ramsay due to how amazing their meals turned out. A multitude of photos of the happy couple were on the walls, or shelves. When David found it in himself to get out of bed, he was taking the photos down or turning them around. Even group photos with Liza merely in the corner weren’t acceptable. When he saw her face, he thought of her smiling at him unknowingly about to die. He thought of her underground, rotting...  
It made him sick.

Her belongings were something that David would never get rid of, of course. Seeing them still felt like a knife being stabbed into his heart and slowly twisted. As pathetic as he thought it was, he often found himself holding onto Pookie (he couldn’t part ways with the plushie) like a child. He hoped that perhaps the joy that it gave Liza would somehow translate over to him.  
It didn’t.  
-  
It’d been about 6 weeks since Liza died, and David was a mess, to say the least. He’d been living off of delivery food, having run out of groceries awhile ago. He didn’t even answer the door to speak to the delivery person, having them simply place the food on the porch. 

His phone was blowing up with texts from his friends, and his responses usually consisted of one word. Basically just a reassurance that he was still around and alive. They’d question and beg for more information from him, but to no avail. Asking to come visit David resulted in a plain and simple “no”. The ‘vlog squad’ had just started becoming more active on social media again, and they were bombarded with messages about David. He had seemingly disappeared, having not even been seen in public. Trying to reassure fans when they needed it themselves was difficult. The fans’ concerns were always met with “he’s grieving”, or “he just needs time”. After all, a month isn’t long in the grand scheme of time, even if it’d felt like an eternity for some people.

David’s absence from his friends’ lives was like a strike two as far as their emotional well-being. It felt like two of their friends had died, even with it only being a few weeks since they’d seen David. Jason was the first to actually make the bold move of showing up at David’s front door without warning him. David had been laying on the couch when he heard the knock. He hadn’t been expecting a delivery of any kind, so he didn’t bother with a response, simply waiting for the person to leave. A rush of irritation filled him at the sound of Jason’s voice.  
“David? I know you’re in there, open the door”  
Well in that case...  
“No, go away” 

Jason was somewhat taken aback by the aggressiveness.  
“Please? I just want to talk for a little bit, it won’t be long”  
About what?!  
David didn’t respond to that, simply rolling his eyes and adjusting his position on the couch.  
“I’m not leaving until you open this door and let me in”  
Knowing damn well that Jason would just annoy him until he did so (and he’d never call the police on the man, no matter how frustrated he was), David begrudgingly got up to open the door. Jason was shocked to say the least.

David’s overall look was unkempt. His hair and clothes were disheveled, scruff was covering his face, and his eyes had dark circles underneath. Not to mention that he appeared to have lost weight, which was very noticeable considering his already small frame. David’s appetite was seemingly nonexistent, and he merely picked at his food. Leftovers seemed to last much longer than they should.  
When he narrowed his eyes at Jason, it was clear that what drowned out the anger was intense sadness. Jason frowned as he looked at him, as he’d never seen somebody look so sad before. It was especially unusual on David, who’d previously been such a happy person.

“Are you just gonna stare at me all day?” David scoffed. This was the look that made him kick everyone out of his house. He wanted to get this “meeting” over with as soon as possible, but the old motherfucker was staring at him for seemingly an eternity.  
“Oh, yeah, sorry” Jason finally snapped out of it, stepping inside David’s house. He immediately noted the lack of photos on the walls, making him sigh. David shut the door, and Jason suggested he join him on the couch. Rolling his eyes, he sat next to Jason and waited for him to begin speaking.

“How’ve you been?” Jason attempted. He knew that the answer couldn’t be good, but he braced himself for that. He was prepared to comfort David if necessary. Or so he thought.  
“Gee, I’ve been just great” David rolled his eyes. “How the fuck do you think I’ve been?” Jason told himself to be patient.  
“I know, it’s just a typical question, you know how it is”  
He’d attempted to say this lightly, but his laugh awkwardly died off as David just glared at him.  
“What’ve you been up to?” Jason attempted. David shrugged, not saying a word. What was there to say? Productivity had gone out the window, he spent most days sleeping but never feeling rested... There was nothing to say.

“David, please. We’re worried”.  
David clenched his fists, eyeing Jason bitterly.  
“Don’t waste your time with that”  
Telling him not to ‘waste his time worrying’ would be like telling David to stop missing Liza. To stop loving her. It just wouldn’t happen.  
“Don’t say that, we just care about you. And we don’t know if you’re taking care of yourself, you-“  
Jason cut himself off, knowing if he commented on David’s appearance, he wouldn’t respond well. At David’s silence, Jason sighed and asked if he could get a drink. He just needed a moment to collect his thoughts and separate himself from the awkwardness. David was now staring at his hands, and merely shrugged in response to Jason’s question. Taking that as a yes, he headed over to the fridge, only to find it practically bare. Jason’s stomach dropped, and he let out a heavy sigh.

When he returned to the couch with a water bottle in hand, he questioned David.  
“When’s the last time you went grocery shopping?”  
“Since before...” David trailed off. “You guys filled it last”  
That was right after David returned from the hospital, and way too long ago. Jason tried not to lose his cool. The worry coursing through his veins was overwhelming.  
“You really need to eat enough and stay hydrated”  
“Thanks, Dad” David scoffed. He was already annoyed by Jason, even if in the back of his mind he knew he was only trying to help.  
“Come on”  
Jason was standing up, and David looked up at him confusedly.  
“Let’s go pick up some groceries. You really need them...”  
He was afraid to ask if David had even left the house, because although he knew he hadn’t, he couldn’t bear to hear it aloud.  
“What? No way”  
“Come on, don’t be ridiculous-“  
“I said no” David edgily replied, looking up with tears burning his eyes, much to both of their confusion. Jason sat back down next to David.

“David...” Jason tentatively began.  
“I’m a mess” David cried, putting his head in his hands. Jason began to rub small circles on his upper back, but David swatted his hand away. Jason listened as David began to cry harder and explain himself.  
“I can’t eat, I can’t leave my house, I don’t want to do anything anymore... I miss her so much. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without her”  
A choked sob interrupted his heartbreaking statement, and Jason desperately searched his mind for what to say to his friend. Meanwhile, David felt like his heart was being squeezed mercilessly. What he’d do for one more kiss, a hug, a conversation. Anything. 

“Liza wouldn’t want you to be like this. She’d want you to keep going-“  
“I KNOW!” David cried. “I know. But how am I supposed to when I don’t even know how? The one person who always had the answers is fucking dead”  
She’s dead, and there’s nothing he or anybody can do about it.  
“You can get help for this, you know. We can help you, you could see somebody”  
Even though the logical part of David knew that that wasn’t a bad idea, he still found himself consumed by rage.  
“There’s no fixing this. The only thing that would is her coming back-“  
“And you know that can’t happen, David”.  
Although Jason said this gently, David read it as condescending. Fury inducing.  
“I fucking know that! How could I not?!”  
“I know you do-“  
“Get the fuck out”  
This took him by major surprise, staring blankly at David, hurt evident in his voice as he asked,  
“What?”  
“You heard me. Leave me alone”.  
And once again, Jason was doing as he was told, respecting David’s wishes to be alone. As he got up and left the house, he knew he was making the wrong decision, and cursed himself for not putting up more of a fight.

David had thought that he’d feel somewhat better with Jason leaving (after all, he’d asked him to). Strangely, he only began to sob louder and pound his fists on the coffee table, letting out cries of rage and despair. He’d really gone off the deep end, it seemed. It didn’t seem like there was a way back, either.  
~  
About an hour later, David heard another knock at the door, only for him to hear something set on the ground and footsteps quickly leaving the premises by the sounds of it. After a few moments, David lugged himself off the couch and opened the door to check what was left there.  
On the front porch were several bags of groceries, and he was balling once again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof my chapters are so short I’m sorry

 

 

David watched the joyous announcement of the new year with a heaviness that didn’t match the people on the TV screen. There were celebratory cries, grins from ear to ear, happy couples kissing...

He sighed. Happiness seemed like a distant memory at that point. Happiness came in the form of Liza, and without her, David felt like half a person.

His friends had invited him over to celebrate New Years, but he’d declined. Just like he’d declined his parents’ offer to come home for Christmas. Regarding the holidays, Liza’s parents had also called to wish him a merry Christmas, kindly enough. Everyone that called could hear the devastation in his voice, but David attempted to reassure them with the simple excuse of “I’m just tired”. They weren’t convinced, but they didn’t press any further. Both his parents and Liza’s told him that they were available to talk whenever he wanted, and wished him well. David’s friends told him to stay strong, but that would imply he’d been strong all along. Frankly, he felt more fragile than porcelain.

David turned off the TV, having zoned out anyway. He was sick of watching a bunch of people celebrating, while he sat at home miserable. Of course he knew that wasn’t any of their faults, but he couldn’t shake the bitterness. His misery was actually something he was trying to hide from people, hence the avoidance and excuses. While his voice gave away his dejection, the look in his eyes and his general demeanor would be clear indicators of his state of mind.

David knew that his friends had their own lives to be concerned about, whether it be related to their careers, or their families (Josh had a child, after all). He didn’t want to bring down their moods, or burden them. Even if they were still struggling to deal with Liza’s death, David thought that he’d be bothersome for confiding in them. Even if they could relate.

Seclusion was something that David saw as easier than facing the truth. Pretending to be stable seemed far too difficult, considering the toxic wasteland that was David’s mind. However, being himself meant being pitied, and would incite concern. David knew he wasn’t doing well, and that his friends would ‘freak out’ as he put it.

He heard his phone blowing up with texts from his friends’ group chat, wishing David a happy new year. He sighed, getting up from the couch and trudging to his bedroom to lay down. This would be his first year without her, and it felt wrong. David had figured their wedding would be that year (2020) and maybe even on November 28th to be sentimental. And she had no idea about those plans. She was so close to knowing, too...

David glanced upwards and wondered if she knew now. And wherever she was, did it upset her? Was she at peace? Moments like those (which were plentiful), David ached for their deep, late night talks. She had a beautiful mind, and she often left him mesmerized while she spoke. He adored her, whether she was conjuring up hilarious puns at target, or spoke with starry eyes about future plans. About how she wanted to inspire others, and make other people happy. She grinned when David reminded her that she already did.

He then noticed that his face was wet with hot tears. He’d been crying so often and for so long, that at times it took him a while to notice he’d been crying at all. He’d stare off into space, and the next thing he knew, his eyes were itchy and his shirt collar was damp. David wiped his eyes, before shutting them and attempting to relax. Not like sleep offered much comfort, with Liza’s presence continuing to taunt him in his dreams. Despite his efforts to shove her out of his mind by taking down photos and avoiding videos, she was still all that he could focus on.

It seemed that when Liza died, his life came to a halt. David had been praised for his work ethic, but he hadn’t touched his camera since November 28th. YouTube wasn’t on his radar, whatsoever.

(“If Liza died, I’d probably quit vlogging”)

David never saw that coming, but now that it had... ‘Probably’ became ‘definitely’.

~~~~~

Months passed, and not much occurred.

David got his cast removed, and was able to move around without crutches. He figured he should’ve been more relieved than he was. Even the doctor was surprised by his look of boredom at its removal. The only other time he’d left his house was for groceries/basic necessities. Each outing left him drained, which is why the text he received from Gabbie made him want to bang his head against a wall.

‘We’re planning a get together. Please come, we all miss you’

The following texts from friends in the group chat consisted of begging and pleading. David knew he needed to placate them, judging by how desperate they seemed. He felt he owed them, and as much as he wanted to avoid this get together, David figured it’d get them off of his back for awhile. Which is why he begrudgingly replied with,

‘I’m down. When is it?’

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David goes out with his friends, angst ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I’m so late to posting, I’m sorry :(  
> This is a really shitty update that is in need of editing, so I’ll be going back in and fixing some things up when ideas arise.

They’d all been shocked to say the least. The fact that David was actually willing to spend time with his friends made their hearts soar. It was progress, right? 

Little did they know that it was a ploy to get off of David’s back.

Speaking of, on the afternoon of the get together (three days after he agreed to it) David put in some effort to look presentable. He showered, cleaned up his mangy beard, and put on his typical all black outfit. He hoped his friends would look at that and see some semblance of the “old David”.  
Or maybe they’d just notice his dark circles, paler skin and weight loss. 

It was a surreal feeling when David climbed into his car and began driving to Todd and Jason’s house. He hadn’t visited his friends in ages, the last time being to film for his vlog. David wondered if his friends had continued vlogging, but asking would imply he hadn’t shown enough interest to search/watch himself.  
The drive felt all too short as he pulled up in front of the house and parked.  
(Just get this over with, David)  
(You can pretend for a few hours)

With a sigh, David got out of the car and approached the front door. He only had to knock once, before Todd was opening it with a wide smile.  
“David! Hey man”  
He was pulled into a tight embrace, roughly patted on the back. A ghost of a smile appeared on David’s face as he walked inside, quietly greeting his friends who he thought looked way too excited to see him.

Todd gave David a beer (which didn’t sound appealing whatsoever), trying to hide his concern and focus on having a good time. They’d all agreed not to pester David, and just let him ‘breathe’ as they put it. That didn’t mean that they didn’t watch his every move with silent worry.

“What have you guys been up to?” David asked, trying to act ‘normal’ which meant having to gauge if he appeared to be too happy (and obviously fake) or too much like himself; drained.  
His friends couldn’t help but eye each other nervously, even if they had tried to appear nonchalant.  
“Oh, you know. Working. Hanging with the kids. Trying to stay healthy. Normal stuff” Jason said with a wave of his hand.  
So he was still vlogging.  
His friends continued to explain rather briefly what they were up to, feeling like they were walking on egg shells the entire time. All David could focus on was how easy it was for them to move on and continue (truly) living, despite the crushing loss of...  
David wished he could just pick himself up and move on, but that proved to be far too difficult.

Then came the dreaded question.  
“What about you?”  
David took a swig of beer.  
“Oh, well...”  
What could he say? He’d spent months cooped up inside, crying his eyes out and hating life. Even an idiot could deduce that he clearly hadn’t been working out or even spending time in the sun, so...  
“Nothing much” That wasn’t a lie. “I’m just trying to get back on my feet. Maybe start vlogging again, but who knows, right?”  
David was lying through his teeth, but he forced a smile and laugh nonetheless. He meant what he’d said; he’d never vlog again.  
“That’s good. Take your time, man” Scotty said, trying to hide the fact that he highly doubted that David would return to vlogging any time soon, if at all.  
Thankfully for David, the spotlight was quickly shifted off of him, and the friends casually conversed. 

David hadn’t felt alone in a big group of people until then. Yes, he wanted his alone time so he could quit playing this ‘somewhat functioning’ role. But unfortunately, he felt that nobody in the house could possibly understood the level of pain that consumed him. That made it difficult to get out of bed, eat, or even keep breathing. His friends’ smiles seemed to come easy, laughs didn’t take effort. Yet there David was, sitting on the couch with glazed eyes, his mind stuck on one scene, stuck on one night, stuck in the same car, stuck staring at Liza for the last time, stuckstuckstuckstuck-  
“David?”  
Somewhat startled, he glanced up at his friend.  
“You good?” Alex asked, his eyes steely and boring into David’s big brown ones.  
No. Not at all. Never will be.  
“Yeah. I’m fine”  
Alex plopped down on the couch next to David, wanting to say a million things, and struggling to hold back on every single one of them.  
Except one.  
“I’ve missed you”  
David raised an eyebrow, taken aback by the sadness in Alex’s voice.  
“Really?”  
Alex scoffed, not rudely, but with surprise.  
“Yeah. We all do”  
“Well.. I’m here now”  
‘Are you?’ Alex yearned to ask.  
“I know. I’m glad”  
David nodded, feeling uncomfortable. He’d blatantly lied about his well-being to Alex, who could usually see past his bullshit, being quite emotionally intuitive. With the conversation having trailed off, the two sat together in awkward silence.

Meanwhile, David’s eyes were wandering around the room and staring at the couples; Scotty and Kristen, Carly and Bruce, Heath and Mariah, Todd and Corinna...  
He sighed, and Alex noticed this with a melancholy expression. David attempted to play it off by clearing his throat, but the damage was done. Nonchalance wasn’t believable when attempted by somebody with eyes as sullen as David’s. It’s true what people say about the eyes being the window to the soul; one hard look into David’s, and you could see the months of misery and unanswered desires. A soul whose will was ripped away with the death of one valued person.

“David...?” Alex attempted. David glanced at him, and struggled to blink away tears.  
“Huh?”  
“Are you-“  
“I’m fine. Zoned out” David fake laughed, attempting to wave off Alex’s skeptical expression. The wall that David built up to be able to even leave his house had begun to crumble. He felt he needed to stay a bit longer just to wave off suspicions (that were unfortunately already there) that he was greatly struggling.  
Alex attempted to settle for David’s lie, knowing he shouldn’t ‘pester’ his friend anymore. So much for pretending everything was okay.

Kristen’s boisterous laugh in the corner caught David’s attention, and he glanced over to see Scott leaning down to kiss the petite girl. He immediately looked away, hating himself for feeling jealous that he didn’t have Liza to kiss. That’s nobody’s fault, yet the sight of thriving couples always seemed to feel like a stab to the heart. David got up from the couch and decided to join some of the others in the kitchen for shots (he could easily hear his friends screaming about them from his spot).

“DAVID!” Zane drunkenly yelled. “How you doing?”  
“Good, uh-“  
A shot glass was shoved into David’s hand, and his friends began to cheer him on.  
(Fuck it)  
David downed the liquor, grimacing slightly at the burn in his throat. He wasn’t a heavy drinker by any means, but that night would be a different story. If some alcohol could get him out of that headspace for awhile, then David would take the opportunity with open arms. With that, he proceeded to down drink, after drink, after drink...

The next thing that David knew, he was on the couch and waking up with a splitting headache. He groaned as he came to, squeezing his eyes shut until he got used to even the dim morning light.  
Nausea punched him in the gut, and he found himself racing to the bathroom despite his tunneling vision and stumbling form. David collapsed onto his knees, vomiting until tears were streaming down his face, and the burn in his throat made the alcohol’s effects seem like child’s play. He flushed the mess away, leaning against the wall with his eyes shut.

It didn’t truly hit him until he cracked an eye open; he wasn’t in his house. David had gotten blackout drunk, and passed out at Todd’s house.  
Of course he was unlucky in that he wanted to drink away his sorrows and he couldn’t remember the relief it may have brought. The hammering against his skull and his raw throat solidified the fact that the heavy drinking wasn’t worth it. David stumbled to his feet, cupped some icy tap water into his hands and drank it. It brought only subtle relief.  
He definitely wanted to get home and pass out in his own bed. However, knowing he wasn’t in any shape to drive yet, David fell back onto the couch and passed out for several more hours.

David returned home in the early afternoon after repeatedly telling Todd and Jason that he was ‘fine’ and proceeded to lie and say that he had a great time.  
“You sure did” Jason offered a strange smile.  
As soon as David walked out the door, he sighed,  
“Saddest drunk I’ve ever seen”  
~  
A month passed. His friends continued to ask if he wanted to get out of the house, only for him to repeatedly decline. David had gotten his fill, and it had completely drained him of whatever desire for socializing he had left. They continued to worry, of course. But life had to go on, bills had to be paid, families had to be taken care of...

Meanwhile, David had stopped crying.  
He used to cry at the drop of a hat when he thought of Liza, any little thing reminding him of her. It hit him that the faucet seemed to be dry when her perfume filled his nostrils and he remained stoic. It was always an odd occurrence, the way the sweet fragrance would hit him at the most random of times. It used to make him break down, the way she seemed to be right there yet nowhere to be found all at the same time.  
It was strange when he realized that he’d become numb, and he ached for the emotional release almost immediately.

But numbness came with its own unique pain too, David realized. He felt heavy and empty all at once. His heart ached so badly it weighed him down and didn’t allow him to get out of bed sometimes. It’s been that way before, but with buckets of tears added. Now he didn’t even have the energy to cry. It felt wrong, and David didn’t know how to make it right. It seemed that he couldn’t harness any of Liza’s positive energy without her physically being there. When David would be stressed, not only would Liza be there to offer warm hugs and soft kisses, but her pleasant voice would be in his ears telling him to keep going. That he was amazing, creative, funny, hard working... She was his cheerleader.  
Now, there wasn’t anyone in his head telling him to continue, and David couldn’t even pretend.

Six months without Liza came before David accepted the fact that he was tired of merely existing. He could barely call his current situation living, after all. Every day felt like a dreadfully long trudge with no reward for the effort. What was he supposed to do with that? His life was stagnant, going downhill if anything.  
Sometimes he couldn’t help but daydream about where they’d be had the accident not occurred. Planning their wedding, happy, and together.  
Together. He wanted them to be together so badly. David was sick of waiting for somebody to come home who never would, waiting for a voice to bring a smile to his face that he’d never again hear in real time. Thinking of life carrying on the way it was was a torturous thought for David. 

Which is why he decided that he didn’t want to be alive anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Mentions of suicidal thoughts/planning attempt**

The realization hit David like a ton of bricks, but not because the thought shocked and horrified him. If anything, it brought relief and reflection.  
Knowing that he’d have to take his own life for that to happen is what brought a sinking feeling, however. David wasn’t the most patient person, and waiting to die of a broken heart (he’d googled it and was surprised it hadn’t happened already) or whatever else wasn’t ideal (time wise). He’d wanted Liza back, of course. But that sudden, burning desire for relief gripped him and refused to let go.

David had never been so angry and depressed before in his whole life. He’d gone through life being easy going, and being able to bounce back after going through periods of being ‘bummed’ as he put it. This level of pain? It took him by storm. He couldn’t handle it, and that was clear by the desire to take it away as quickly as possible. 

It was wrong. People would be upset, he knew that. But life went on, and the world moved on after Liza died. If the world could continue without her light, it’d thrive without his darkness.  
But David? He’d be free. What was left for him, anyway? The person he imagined spending his entire life with was gone in an instant. Nobody could fill the void that Liza left, so finding somebody else to fall in love with wasn’t even an option in his mind. Years of passion for vlogging and entertainment went away with a snap of the fingers. Trying to rebuild his life seemed like an impossible task that he wasn’t up for. 

David figured this; He lived, he died inside, and he’d just be finishing the rest of the job. 

~  
David’s friends had found time to hang out again, originally for simple entertainment. However, their nagging thoughts created a distracting tension, enough to where they felt the need to sit down for a proper discussion.  
They were seated together in Todd and Jason’s living room, serious expressions on their faces as they spoke back and forth, often speaking over each other, too.

“I feel like we’re doing absolutely nothing to help him, and I hate that!” Gabbie said with a dejected expression about David. They’d been friends for years, and used to hang out almost daily. She gave him the encouragement that he needed to start a YouTube career, and he was forever grateful for that. Yes, they’d had rough patches and a falling out, but the reconnection is what mattered. She never stopped caring for him.  
“We can’t force him to get help, though” Todd argued. As much as he loved David, he was aware of the reality of the situation.  
“Yeah, David’s stubborn as fuck, we all know that.” Heath sighed.  
“We can encourage him, I guess. He’s the one that’s going to ultimately make that decision, but it wouldn’t hurt to let him know that we care” Scotty pointed out, and Gabbie and him shared an understanding look. They’d both had their share of mental health issues, and knew the trials and tribulations of receiving help for them.

“David hasn’t even said that he’s depressed or anything, though. We can’t ambush him over baseless concerns” Brandon pointed out. Yes, he was concerned for his friend. He knew he was going through a hard time (an understatement), but they needed to approach the problem properly.  
Gabbie looked aghast.  
“Did you not see him at the party?”  
“Yeah, he’s good at a lot of things but definitely not acting” Zane chimed in. David had tried as hard as he possibly could to put up a front, and while his friends were uneasy, they hardly knew the extent of his pain.  
Brandon threw his hands up in defense.  
“Calm down. Of course I saw him, he looked like hell and probably felt like it, too. But I just think we need to approach him tactfully, talk to him more before suggesting he see a shrink or whatever you have planned”

Carly put her head in her hands for a few moments, trying to look past the brashness of his comments.  
“We’ve tried to talk to him, but he just says he’s fine.”  
Everyone pauses, trying to work from there. It was a tough situation, especially since their appreciation for David ran so deep. People made comments online about them using David for fame or money or whatever it may be, all while failing to ignore their friendship and love for him.  
“Then... We could sit him down? Have a heart to heart, get the real story about how he’s doing?” Jason suggested, uncertainty in his voice. He’d already approached David wrongly before, and the thought of doing it again made his stomach churn.  
“If we could even get him out of the house” Todd scoffed.  
“We could go to him?” Zane said.  
“You know how that went when I did” Jason sighed, rubbing his temples.  
“Oh yeah, right”

Meanwhile, Alex sat there in silence, thinking intensely about David during the party. He’d seen the look in his eyes from the couples showing affection, and the pain in his voice, the lies he spat. Somehow he felt he’d gotten one step closer than the others, and it felt like a dirty secret.

“We need to think of something, at least” Gabbie sighed. She’d never felt so helpless as to how to help someone. She’d been applauded for her caring nature, but how far could caring really go? She’d cared about David for years, yes. Cared enough to worry for him over the past few difficult months. But was she any closer to knowing how he was truly doing? Did she know why there was a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach when she thought of him? No. And that was frustrating as all hell.  
“We will” Jason blankly said.  
“Will we?”  
~  
David felt the magic of his first kiss with Liza like it occurred yesterday. On that rooftop years ago, he was enraptured by Liza’s beauty and essence. Her smile shone brighter than the stars above, and she instilled a feeling into David that he’d never felt before. An urge strong enough to push him to make the bold move of taking her face in his hands and kissing her on the lips. 

She’d been taken somewhat by surprise, but quickly settled into the kiss like it was second nature. David and Liza fell into a soft rhythm, their hearts pounding when they eventually pulled back. Had it been daylight, they would’ve seen the redness of each other’s joyous faces. They settled into a comfortable silence, that kiss saying everything that needed to be; they liked each other, a lot at that. They’d become comfortable with each other in a surprisingly short amount of time, but it came naturally. 

When they eventually decided to return to the gathering downstairs, Liza couldn’t resist the urge to scoop up some gravel and put it in her pocket. She wanted something to remember the wonderful moment (as if she’d ever forget). David eyed this endearingly, grateful for her, grateful that his desires were reciprocated. From the rooftop kiss and beyond, their relationship blossomed. And the gravel in Liza’s pocket was made into a ring that she never took off...

David only wished he could’ve had the chance to put another ‘rock’ onto her finger.

~  
The days following David’s grave realization, he spent a large amount of time planning his demise. Preparation came with a surreal feeling, but something about it felt... Right.  
He wanted to go in the comfort of his own home, deciding to overdose. What his cocktail of over the counter medications consisted of didn’t matter; He just knew he’d take a lot of it, put in some earphones, and wait for the sorrow to disappear. David was already planning a note in his head, or symbolically, a video. 

David went back and forth with how he’d say his goodbyes, wondering if he could offer even a semblance of one without raising suspicion. He’d made up his mind, and nothing was getting in the way of his plan. If goodbyes were to do so, he’d have to work around that.

The night before his set date, David held the ring box in his hand. He closed his eyes, knowing what could’ve been, and longing to be free of the pain of that knowledge. He wondered if he ached to feel or to stop feeling altogether. Perhaps he just wanted to remember how to smile again. A breath of fresh air as he took his last.  
David fell asleep thinking of a beautiful girl waiting for him with open arms.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Suicide Attempt**  
> This chapter was difficult to write, so there will probably be some more editing (nothing major).

David woke up the following morning at an earlier hour than usual. It was as if his body knew that that would be his last day and was trying get as much time out of it as possible. He sat up in bed, calm washing over him in a refreshing wave.  
_Just get through today, and you’re free_  
  
He got up out bed, slowly making his way toward the kitchen. David found himself eyeing everything in his home with a hyper awareness that he didn’t previously possess. He took in details, such as the lines of his wood flooring, the dust on a porcelain figurine he’d received from a fan, the stuffy stench due to his failure to open windows...

It was as if he’d emerged from a dream like state, and reality was slapping him in the face. Like the thought that his life was built up of the tiniest details, which ultimately made up a large picture. And his actions later that day would smash that work into smithereens.  
David took a seat after preparing his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, staring down at it with a strange feeling that that day would consist of many “last’s”.  
This would be his last breakfast, his last PB&J... It sounded humorous in a sick sense to be so baffled over that detail, considering he would be ending his entire life . That just happened to be an odd truth to add to the pile.  
  
He slowly ate, his stomach aching from the food that didn’t even seem to have a taste. David sighed at this, giving up on the sandwich before he could manage to finish even half. He threw it away, before retreating to the living room. Once there, David found himself drawn to the window. He took a look outside, seeing the epitome of June gloom cast an empty gray upon Los Angeles. It seemed fitting for the morbid occasion.  

David took a seat on the couch, and pulled out his phone, staring at it as though it weren’t on his person every second of the day. The call to his family was his last ‘task’, and the rest of his remaining hours were free to be spent however he wanted. He didn’t want to drag the situation out more than necessary, though. Which meant convincing himself to get the call over with. 

It may have barely been 9 AM where David was, but that meant it was around 11 AM in Chicago. His family would definitely be awake. He called his Dad, only to have him pick up after a couple rings. David’s nerves picked up at the same time he did, but he told himself to treat this like any other call.  
  
  
“David! Good to hear from you!”  
  
Warmth radiated through his Dad’s voice, and he realized that it had been awhile since he’d last called.  
  
“Hey” David said, noting the numbness in his tone. “How’s everyone?”  
  
“Great! We’ve missed you”

David then heard his Dad excitedly call the rest of his family over to talk, and his stomach churned with dread.  
“David!” Toby practically screamed moments later.

“Hey! How’s my favorite sibling doing?”

While David would refer to Toby as his favorite sibling in a joking manner, it held some truth. He loved all of his siblings, but Toby held a special place in his heart.

With his sister’s, Ester and Sara on speaker phone, they sarcastically thanked David for his blatant favoritism. Underneath the blanket of sarcasm, lied relief that their brother had it in him to make jokes after...

As for Toby, he was practically jumping out of his skin with excitement.  
“Are you gonna visit soon?”  
David swallowed a rock in his throat, thinking far too long about how to respond. Toby called out his name in an inpatient whine, and David was stumbling over his words as he answered,  
“Hopefully soon”  
“But when??”  
David rubbed his temple with his free hand, heavily sighing. He had thought about what it’d be like for his family to hear about his death. David reasoned in his head that with him being away so often, it wouldn’t make a huge difference in their lives. They’d gotten used to him being halfway across the country, and sometimes too slammed with work to make time for conversation. He chose to ignore that that made his visits so much more meaningful, and everybody looked forward to them.

  
“Are you ok?”  
David quietly gasped at the fact that he’d zoned out once again. His Mom had asked the question.  
“Yeah. I’m fine, sorry. But I don’t know... Maybe I can visit in a week or two?”  
Toby emitted an excited shriek, and David didn’t want to think of how disappointed he’d be when...  
“That’d be wonderful” His Dad spoke.  David tried to find it in himself to sound as happy as them.  
“Yeah...”  
There was a pause, and David cleared his throat.  
“I love you guys”  
It came out of seemingly nowhere, and it was especially odd considering the sadness in David’s tone. His siblings offered awkward “love you too’s”.  
“Why don’t you all go play?” His Mother suggested, and Sara said,  
“Play??”  
“Go on your phone, I don’t know”  
“Um, alright”  
David tapped his foot on the ground, knowing the tone in his Mother’s voice held suspicion. Comfort came with the fact that he highly doubted that they would get in the way of his plans. Not just the fact that they were so far from each other, as they could call somebody to check on him. But that David knew he could just brush off their concerns. It was much easier to lie over the phone than in person, like when he’d visited his friends.  

Following his Mom’s orders, his siblings said casual a “see you soon” and “byes” to David, not a clue that that would be the last time they’d ever speak to each other. It was a surreal feeling. He bit his lip, responding similarly in a disconnected voice. He remembered holding all of them as newborns, and the excitement that he possessed. While there were a lot of times where David was annoyed with his siblings, or teased them relentlessly, he still adored them. He cherished going to see Toby play soccer, or jokingly giving Ester and Sara life advice that they’d scoff at. Just the little things...  
As soon as his siblings were out of earshot, David’s Mom was asking,  
“How have you been?”  
By her voice, she was definitely referring to the grieving process. David felt content, yet morose as he answered,  
“Things are getting better now”  
Morose that it had to come to such a drastic point; content about his pain being able to finally cease.  
“That’s good” His Dad answered, seeming unsure of what else to say.

“Yeah...”  
There was so much more that he could say, but had to be kept in his notes he’d written for them.  
“I better get going. I’m meeting up with some friends soon”  
_Liar_

David could hear the smile in his Mom’s voice as she said,  
“Oh good, tell them hello. Have fun”  
_I won’t_

“I will. I love you guys” he repeated.  
_Thank you for everything_

“We love you, too”  
_I’m sorry_

He ended the call after a few moments of hesitation.  
  
When David put his phone down, he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Those were the people that had loved and raised him, and that was how he’d handled it. While he’d intended for it to be an average check in, something about the nonchalance of it all left a bad taste in his mouth. He wanted to tell them all the words of appreciation that lingered at the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t. Like how he wanted to verbally apologize for the coldness towards his parents during his teenage years. David knew he’d only done that as some form of rebellion and without malicious intent, but he had still carried guilt about it.

_No more guilt after today_

  
David put his head back and stared up at the ceiling. Morbid thoughts latched onto his mind, spinning around in his head like a vomit inducing carousel. Who was going to find his body? How long would he be left to rot before he was found? Thinking of how his loved ones would react were brushed under a metaphorical rug as he told himself that they’d be better off without him. After all, he’d been absent for so long, would it really matter to them?

(My family was thrilled to hear that I was coming home for a visit)

(My friends were thrilled to see me at that party)

David squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed. They pitied and held trepidation in his presence. Things were no longer the same with them, just like everything else. To David, if they knew and loved him, they’d understand why he took certain measures. They’d know it was to escape a miserable existence.  
He’d gotten a lot out of his life already; he’d made amazing friends, traveled, found success, and found love in the treasure that was Liza Koshy. Hopefully they’d note that and find some peace.  
  
David finally opened up his eyes. There weren’t going to be calls made out to his friends. They’d catch onto sad I love you’s and whatever else he’d accidentally ramble about. It was too risky. He looked at the various notes he’d penned to friends and family that were neatly laid out on the coffee table in front of him. They said all that needed to be in details he couldn’t verbally express.  
  
He only wished that the last time he’d seen them was more special. It was surreal to think about how he’d celebrated birthdays and holidays with them, not knowing it’d be the last ones.  

 

_None of us knew that it’d be our last celebrations with Liza. Liza obviously didn’t have a clue._

 

David knew that he was choosing to add those events to the pile of “last’s” and he wasn’t trying to deny it. He could still find the concept of suicide jarring, even if he was choosing to take that route.

 

As David stared off into space, there came the question of ‘what now?’

 

Reflection?  
How he’d loved Liza so much that losing her meant the end of him as well.  
How intensely he depended on her for happiness.  
How he had no idea when he first began life out in Los Angeles, that he’d be dying there depressed and alone in a few short years.  
How Liza didn’t have a choice, and David did, but _felt_ like he didn’t.

That all he had to do was swallow some pills, and a gargantuan weight of misery would be lifted off of his shoulders.  
  
The latter eased David’s mind. It’s promises were tempting enough to get him off of the couch, and head to the bathroom where the pills were stored in the medicine cabinet. He grabbed the bottle, returned to the bed he felt like he just got out of, and sat cross legged on the bed. A half empty water bottle sat on the nightstand.

_Get it over with_

He was eager to, pouring the pills out in front of him in a small pile.

An assortment of pills in various shapes, sizes and colors were waiting for him. If you squinted, you’d think the deadly capsules were candy.

Before he could hesitant any longer, David quickly swallowed the pills, three to four at a time. A bitter taste coated his tongue by the time he’d emptied the pile, but that also came with a euphoria that he hadn’t felt in far too long, and was feeling in that moment for all the wrong reasons.

With the realization that he’d _actually done it_ , David calmly lay back against the pillows. As he planned, he put in his earphones and played soft, dreamy music. Next to him sat Liza’s beloved Pookie, which he grabbed and held close to him, its softness bringing an extra dose of comfort. David shut his tired eyes, smiling softly to himself at the thought of falling asleep and finally reuniting with Liza. It’d been many months too long without her.  

Before he’d met Liza, David was often hit by aching loneliness. Despite a blossoming YouTube career and a loyal friend group, he still felt like something was off in his life. Meeting her changed everything. It was hard to be unhappy with a positive force such as Liza around there to motivate and encourage you. He thrived in her presence. Liza would tell David that he was her rock, but in reality..?

Liza was his. 

The fans always joked about how they couldn’t imagine David and Liza not together. It turns out that he couldn’t deal with the reality of that. 

As he lay there, surprised by how quickly the pills were creating a fuzzy mind and heavy limbs, he reminisced about the people he loved. David had spent countless hours with his friends creating content to brighten up people’s days. He could never fully express the gratitude he had for their patience and willingness to participate in his vlogs. The joyous memories of creating videos were what made dying a little easier. 

And while his friends were loyal, beautiful people… Sadly, they weren’t enough. They’d tried their best, they texted and called day after day, showed up at his doorstep, even. David made sure to express that this wasn’t their fault in his notes to them. Nothing except the impossible could bring David happiness again. And they were only human, after all.

Song after song played. David wasn’t keeping track of time, only knowing that every moment that passed meant he was that much closer to seeing Liza. That peaceful knowledge relaxed his entire being, maybe even more than the pills did. Visions of his family and friends growing old and happy aided in his euphoria. He may have chosen to live a short life, but he hoped they didn’t have to. They deserved to experience the bliss that David had been able to up until a certain point, and plenty more.

 

Then the pain showed up like an unexpected visitor. Intense cramps stabbed at his core, enough to make David groan and curl in on himself even more. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that, he knew that much. He thought he’d drift off to sleep, and the rest would be history. What had he done wrong? He felt as though he’d taken those drainingly blissful moments for granted as he gasped from the excruciating pain. It was as though his organs were being mercilessly twisted. David tossed and turned, attempting to find a comfortable position, only to realize there wasn’t one. If he’d wanted to die before, the urge was that much stronger now. 

David turned the music up in an attempt to distract himself, only for that to make his eardrums rattle uncomfortably. His eyes watered underneath lids that were tightly pressed together. He held Pookie closer to him, cursing to himself for whatever mistake he made with the pills. Nausea swept over David’s shaking form so intensely that he had to get up out of bed, and stumble his way to the bathroom. His vision tunneled, his legs unstable and jelly like. He collapsed to his knees on the bathroom floor just in time to vomit a grotesque, chunky blue substance into the toilet. 

David fell against the wall behind him, having overexerted himself from the vomiting. His body felt all too hot, burning feverishly. The pain had decreased somewhat, but with that came the knowledge that he’d puked up the very items he’d needed to kill himself. Was enough left in his system to finish the job? If he had the energy, David would’ve punched a hole in the wall. Or more likely, he would have grabbed a knife in an attempt to hurry the process up. However, his body was leaden from the damage he’d done.

No amount of exhaustion would have alleviated the shock of seeing Liza seated on the bathroom countertop, however. 

David’s eyes widened, his entire body tensing up at the sight of her. She was mere feet away, sitting casually and smiling serenely his way. His mouth hung open, unable to formulate any words. Was he dreaming? He couldn’t have been, being begrudgingly awake, but she was _right there,_ looking all too real.

“Hi, David” Liza greeted her voice softer than silk, her hands clasped in the lap of her lacy white dress. She looked fresh… _Alive._

 _“_ H-hi, Liza” He finally stuttered, his voice sounding distant to his own ears. Once the initial major shock of seeing her subsided, a smile bloomed upon his face. “Are you here for me? Am I coming with you?” He couldn’t think of any other reason why she’d be here. David was dying. Liza was dead. They could finally be together.

But then she was eyeing him sympathetically, and shaking her head. David felt his heart drop to his stomach.

“There’s still time”

“What?”

“It doesn’t have to end this way. You can still call someone”

David shook his head. That was exactly what he didn’t want! Didn’t Liza want to be with him again? He slumped against the wall, weakly staring at her.

“I don’t want to, I want to be with you. I’m a mess without you”

Then a crushingly disappointing thought surfaced, and David sighed.

“You’re just a hallucination, so-“

“ _Is she?”_

David quietly gasped, looking to his right to see Liza again, but sitting on the edge of his bathtub.

There were two of them in the same room now, but the one to his right, well…

She was dressed the same way she had been on the night of their anniversary. However, her body was riddled with glass, cuts, and blood. A shard of glass was imbedded in her right eye, the whites of it seeping out of one side of the wound in a grotesque manner. David grimaced at the sight, knowing in his heart that this was exactly how she’d looked. His dreams of her body weren’t even close to matching the disturbing reality. David had become so distracted by this that he almost didn’t realize she was speaking again.

 

Ravaged Liza had more fire to her voice in comparison to her soft spoken ‘alter ego’.

“You’re dying, David. We’re much more than hallucinations”

David furrowed his eyebrows at the latter.

“But-“

“If you want to be with me again, you can’t call for help. You know exactly what you want”

His head felt heavier as he eyed Serene Liza, who was shaking her head sadly. She was the easier of the two to look at. As though the other Liza could hear David’s thoughts, she said,

“You’re not looking so hot yourself. You think you can just skip over the uglier points and automatically look like _her?”_

David’s head was spinning. In his delirium, he tried to understand the message that she was attempting to get across. None of it was making sense in that moment.

“Exactly” Serene Liza spoke. “Life isn’t always pretty, and you need to stick around for that, David”

Why? Why should he have to suffer? Why would she _want_ him to?

 

David looked back to Ravaged Liza with bleary eyes.

“You already gave up, what’s left?”

He hadn’t realized, but he’d given up quite a long time ago.

“Nothing” David answered, his voice scratchy as a tear slid down his cheek. He watched as blood dripped from a cut on her arm and onto the floor.

“That’s not true” Serene Liza spoke, her voice more desperate at that point. “Babe, you know me. You know I would never want this for you”

Ravaged Liza suddenly let out a quiet sob that made David’s heart ache. Seeing her cry always made David feel like his heart was being ripped out.

“And you know how much I need you. I’m all alone up there, babe”. More tears fell, and her face scrunched up into a pitifully sad expression.

_I need you, too_

David gathered up as much strength as he possibly could, attempting to get into a crawling position. 

Unfortunately, David was drained. He collapsed onto his side, the last thing he saw being Serene Liza sitting calmly, and staring longingly into his teary eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this took awhile to post! It was somewhat exhausting to write. I’m still not thrilled with how it’s written, so I’ll probably edit here and there.   
>  I also posted another David/vlog squad fic recently and am planning on posting another soon. Check it out if you want? 
> 
> Side note: Would a David/Alex story be of any interest?

There hadn’t been a moment where David had “seen the light”. Following his painful descent into slumber, he found himself simply enveloped in darkness. He sat cross legged, staring into the void.  He’d forgotten what it felt like to be ‘in between’, the previous occurrence being after the car accident. That instance wasn’t life threatening, but the trauma and heavy medication was enough to keep him in that spot for awhile.

All David could hope for was that he wouldn’t emerge from that darkness back into a life he hated living. He longed for Liza’s hand to reach out and take him with her. So he waited, and waited, despite patience not being amongst his many virtues.

But apparently, David was only destined for more disappointment.

He found himself swamped in an achingly bright light, the fixtures on the hospital ceiling being overwhelming despite having been dimmed. The in between having been forgotten, David took in his situation with an air of perplexity. He felt like he’d slept for months, yet the memory of the pills, vomit and Liza were lemon fresh. He got a glimpse of his arm, where various monitors and IV’s were hooked up to it, before having to squeeze his eyes shut. The room was spinning so much that it brought back his dreaded nausea. On top of that, David’s throat was terribly irritated. 

And then came the dread.

If he had the energy to, David would’ve gone into a screaming fit. Instead, he balled his shaky hands and seethed. Where had he gone wrong? He could’ve sworn he’d taken enough pills. David wondered if the vomiting had helped save his life, and wanted to slam his head against a wall. He realized the problem probably wasn’t taking enough; he’d taken too many. 

Again, had he had the energy to, he would’ve added intense sobbing to the screaming. Instead, he allowed a few tears to slip down his face as he peeked his eyes open. The room continued to spin, but not as quickly. That discomfort was nothing compared to the horrific sorrow and confusion he felt. Who had possibly intervened? He hadn’t said a word about his plans. 

David hated how his efforts had gone to waste. He wanted nothing more than to be with Liza. Didn’t whoever was above, or the universe, or whatever the fuck understand? He was back to square one, and would have to try even harder to reach his goal, with all the people probably getting in the way of everything-

He paused. His friends had to have known what he’d done by then, right? His family? Somebody had to have called to inform them. David’s stomach churned at the thought of that. He’d been staring at his pale hands, deep in as much thought as he could muster considering his hazy mind, when David heard footsteps. His eyes widened, his heart rate spiking at the sudden appearance of a nurse in blue scrubs. 

“You’re awake” The red headed nurse who appeared to be in his early 30s stated. David noted his similar appearance to Scotty, and his heart ached. David stared, unsure of how to respond to the nurses words. The nurse approached David to check his vitals, and he was able to see that his badge read ‘Braden’. 

While Braden went to find a doctor, David found himself growing even more upset about his circumstances, more tears falling down his face that he wiped away. 

Moments later, a woman walked in, introducing herself as Dr. Norris. The middle aged woman sat down in a chair beside David, her words as intense as her eyes as she said,

“We could’ve lost you, David. You may not realize it, or feel like it now, but you’re quite lucky”. She was absolutely right. David blinked, simply waiting for her to carry on, lecture him, whatever it may be. Dr. Norris explained the medical aspect, something about a gastric lavage, and other information that flew right over his head.

“One of our mental health workers will come in and talk to you soon, just for an evaluation” 

His stomach dropped at that, because the last thing he needed was to be admitted into a mental hospital. He had little idea of how the system worked, but his assumptions terrified him. David nodded, giving the illusion of cooperation but truly thinking of how he’ll manage to lie to a professional’s face. Her next words induced more stress;

“Your friends are here, they’re awfully worried. Would you like to see them?”

David hesitated, mixed emotions overwhelming his exhausted face. 

“You have every right to say no, but I’m obligated to advise them to keep the conversation light”, Dr. Norris informed, giving him a knowing look. That barely settled his nerves, but David croaked out a “then yes, please”, and she left the room. He knew he’d have to face them either way, and the suspense of that was already eating away at him. He might as well get it over with.

However, as soon as Jason walked through the door, David’s breath hitched. The man had an odd expression as he approached David’s bedside and took a seat. He possessed dark circles, and sadness yet also relief in his blue eyes. But what alarmed David was the anger inside of them as well. They stared at each other in tense silence until David numbly stated,

“Deja vu, huh?”

Jason nodded, putting David on edge even more. 

Getting the call that David was in the hospital put him through a whirlwind of emotions once again, bringing him back to the night of November 28th. The group knew that a storm was coming, but it didn’t make Jason any less shocked to hear Alex call and tearfully explain that David had attempted suicide. 

Jason gave David a once over, shaking his head. A chill ran down David’s spine as Jason asked,

“What were you thinking, David?” 

He guessed Dr. Norris’ words didn’t resonate, but it’s not like he expected them to either. They needed this talk, as much as David despised the inevitable. Knowing it wasn’t just a rhetorical, he contemplated how to put his misery into words. He settled with,

“I was thinking about how I’d finally be happy again” 

The manner in which David said that broke Jason’s heart, but with love comes anger as well. His face contorted furiously, and David breathed out slowly.

“You’re mad at me” 

All of the advice from their friends to stay calm and understanding was shoved under the rug as Jason exclaimed,

“Of course I am!” David frowned, because usually their arguments were more petty, or quickly resolved (he couldn’t stay mad at anyone). But Jason’s words held venom this time around, and the numbness prior to his suicide attempt was being taken over by a variety of powerful, painful emotions.

“I am too”. Shame made David feel like a small, defenseless child as Jason’s eyes bored into his. As much anger was on the surface, Jason was also harboring feelings of guilt. He felt obligated to look out for David, even treating him like one of his own children most of the time. Yet there he was, laying in a hospital bed, having nearly died.

“I can’t wrap my head around this… Do you even realize how blessed you are?!” Jason asked, exasperation written all over his face. He could barely recognize the sickly boy who blankly stared back, the same one who would cry about how grateful he was for the opportunities he’d been given.

David felt much different.

“Of fucking course I’m grateful for what I have, you know that. But I can’t say I feel  _ blessed  _ about being alone-“

“You’re NOT alone, don’t you fucking get it?!” Jason screamed. David gulped, watching as the man ranted, pain emanating through his voice.

“We texted and called EVERY DAY.  _ I  _ called and texted  _ every day _ , fuck, I was the only who showed up at your goddamn doorstep until…”

He paused, and David noticed this with a raised eyebrow. Jason carried on with,

“We tried to be there for you, but you didn’t offer anything back. We tried, Dave. You didn’t”. 

David was livid, shooting daggers at the man before him. So livid that his guilt over his friends’ efforts was momentarily overshadowed.

“I tried every fucking day to keep going-“

“And you gave up” 

He had, but the way Jason said it didn’t help to cease his anger. Jason continued what David saw as chastising, while he gripped the sheets so hard that his knuckles were as white as them. 

“You’re the hardest working person I know, or at least I  _ thought  _ so. You didn’t try to get help, you didn’t reach out to us, or go to therapy, nothing! You have to work towards happiness, it’s not just gonna land on your fucking doorstep” 

 

The intense emotions that would wash over David were making his head spin. Sorrow took over following Jason’s statement, and he took a deep breath.

“Did you read my note to you?”

Slightly taken aback, Jason cleared his throat and shook his head.

“No. I crumpled it up and threw it away”

When David stared at him with irritation at his lack of concern over what he planned to be his final words to his friend, Jason said,

“I couldn’t handle it, okay? Especially since you were gonna make it, I…” 

David nodded, appearing numb as he began to explain himself.

“Then I’ll explain all over again”. He took another deep breath, and Jason shifted in his seat.

“I didn’t want to bother you guys with my problems” David began, and Jason struggled not to interject. “I feel like nobody can fix the problem, and I feel hopeless because of it. It is a hopeless situation, really”. After all, nobody could bring Liza back from the dead.

“I just can’t see a life without her. I feel empty without her, Jason. I love you guys but she…” 

It was so much different with Liza, and everybody could see it.

“I understand. You know, I’ve never seen a couple so in love. It was like you’d been married for 50 years. It was just something else between you two”.

David lowered his head and let out a quiet sob at that, and Jason placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. While it had caused his tears to pick up, Jason knew he had to say that. It was simply the truth. After a few moments of David attempting to get his emotions under control again to speak, he looked up and sniffled.

“Exactly. And every day without her fucking destroys me. I just don’t see how anybody could fix the way I feel. It just doesn’t seem realistic”.

The only way to fix himself was to join her. He couldn’t say it enough.

 

Jason’s frustration was beginning to pick up again. He took his hand off of David’s shoulder, crossing his arms.

“I feel like such a burden”, David cried. “I didn’t mean to end up in the hospital and scare everyone, it wasn’t supposed to go like this. I didn’t want you guys to worry about me anymore, and how I’m not getting better, it was supposed to just be  _ done”.  _ He wiped his eyes, self hatred and despair burning in his core.

“It may have been done for you, but not for us” Jason explained, intensity in his tone once again. “You mean a lot to us, your family of course, the fans”. Jason scoffed. “We get messages all the time from fans asking how you are, begging for updates, just anything. You won’t offer them a thing, and you’re just leaving us to explain FOR you”. David’s anger was picking up once again as he glared at Jason. He cared about and loved his fans greatly. But there was something about facing them once again that made him sick to his stomach and want to run for the hills. Especially with bringing them disappointment by saying he’d never vlog again.

_ (But you were willing to die and leave them with that) _

_ (But I also wouldn’t be here for the damage) _

 

“God forbid I take a break” David snapped. “Vlogging and tweeting and whatever the fuck isn’t exactly priority” 

“I’m not saying that you need to make it be! Just offer them something, they’re worried sick just like us!” Jason exclaimed. They would leave every brief phone call or text conversation desperate for more information about his well being.

“Says the guy who talks about not being obligated to share your private life but does it anyway” 

It took quite a lot of strength for Jason not to blow up even more than he already was.

“This isn’t about me! This is about your decisions!” 

 

“You can argue with me as much you want, but do you really want to know how I feel?”

David took a breath, and his voice cracked as he a

described his pain in a scatter brained tirade. 

“I feel completely hopeless. Like there’s no fucking point anymore. I’m stuck between feeling like I mean too much to people and having to shove that guilt away, and feeling like I don’t mean a goddamn thing. I have no idea how I’m going to carry on like this, because I don’t see myself ever feeling even a little bit better. Everything I was looking forward to is gone. I had this whole life I was looking forward to with Liza, you know… Getting married, having kids… I know I’m young and dumb in your eyes, but she made me think about settling down and getting serious. Now? 

I have no desire to be productive, or even do the most basic shit like eating, or showering, or just getting out of fucking bed. It’s like I can’t function without Liza, like I’m half a person, or nobody even…” 

 

When he trailed off, David found himself baffled by his admittance to those thoughts and feelings he hadn’t verbally expressed. He looked up at Jason, curious as to how he’d respond to his ramblings. 

His face held silent horror.

While he held some relief that David had laid his thoughts out on the table, said thoughts held heartache, suffering, pain… This person was unrecognizable, and Jason didn’t know how to pick up from his devastating proclamations. He found himself pausing, quickly searching his mind for the proper words, while also feeling that none are truly  _ right. _

“You know how much we care about you, David. It’s painfully obvious how much you’re hurting, and you clearly need help-“

David’s head lowered, and he listened quietly to Jason, save for periodic sniffles.

“I’m sorry, David. I know how much you loved Liza…”

_ (Love) _

“We all know how much  _ we  _ loved her, and I don’t even think we loved her half as much as you. That’s saying a lot…”

David thought of all the celebrations their group had, the parties, and laughs…

“But I’m not gonna apologize for not being there enough, or not being able to prevent this, because I did as much as I could”.

 

The coldness of Jason’s tone made David even more uncomfortable, even making him shudder.

Jason cleared his throat, knowing he made his point by the guilty expression on his friends face. In a sick way, that fueled his anger, as he wanted David to understand the pain that his friends were going through. It was wrong, he knew as he went on to explain the following;

“What you did to everyone was beyond fucked up-“

David looked up, anger flashing in his eyes.

“I didn’t mean for-“

“Stop it, you’re not gonna interrupt me”.

He piped down, taken aback by his assertiveness  while still boiling inside.

“But you can turn this around. This is your second chance”. This caused a few more tears to leak out of David’s eyes, and he took Jason’s pause as room to explain.

“I already had a second chance, I didn’t want a third”. Jason wanted to comfort his friend in that moment, but there was a point to be made, and his anger was taking over again.

“Your family doesn’t know about this… Yet”.

A sigh of relief escaped David, but the  _ yet  _ is what had him doing a double take. 

“So you are gonna tell them eventually? Are you threatening me or something?” 

He wasn’t in the mood for threats and catches and whatever bullshit Jason was about to discuss. 

“No, I’m not threatening you! I want you to get help! But if you don’t, then maybe involving your family could be an incentive”. 

He hadn’t discussed this matter with the other members of the group, and Jason assumed they’d be floored at how he was speaking to David.

 

A mixture of panic and annoyance flooded David, looking over Jason’s concern as a factor getting in the way of his goal.

“As much as I love them, they clearly weren’t incentive before. Fuck, they’d be better off without-“ 

David bit his lip, figuring he’d blown any chance at saving some dignity with his family. However, Jason just eyed him sadly, knowing the conversation had spiraled out of control. He stood up from his chair, before placing a gentle hand upon David’s shoulder once again. The brown eyed boy glanced up like a lost puppy, his eyes watery and irritated.

“Just please be honest with the therapist, okay?” He needed to be if he was going to get anywhere. David nodded furiously, more tears falling knowing that he was going to disappoint Jason once again in his own version of self preservation.

“I will” 

Jason took that as a good sign as he began to walk away, turning halfway around when David heartbreakingly said,

“I’m sorry, Jason” 

“I know” 

As his hand was on the doorknob, David croaked out a question.

“Can I see Alex? If he’s here? Please?”

His soul was crying out to see Alex, and he couldn’t place why the need was so strong. He was one of his closest friends, yes. But it’d sprung upon him so suddenly-

Jason looked back at David morosely, before nodding. David took that as a ‘yes’ to both questions, and he lay back against the pillows in relief. 

 

Thankfully, Alex in all of his steely eyed glory walked through the door less than a minute later. He paused, taking in the sight of a tearful and weakened David, before unfreezing and sitting beside him. The fact that he was physically stable was a blessing that Alex could easily accept. The boys stared at each other in an uncomfortable silence for probably a few moments too long.

 

Jason had emerged from the room looking drained, a hint of anger remaining, evidenced by the tension in his body. Despite the persistent questioning from the group almost immediately, all Jason had said was that David wanted to see Alex. 

Knowing this, Alex awkwardly began with,

“You wanted to…” 

Before he could finish his statement, David was holding his arms out for a hug that he desperately needed. Alex reacted immediately, adjusting for a more comfortable embrace. David buried his face in Alex’s chest, letting out the emotions that had been locked away for months, that refused to be released. He was practically wailing, and Alex responded by rubbing a comforting hand up and down his friends back.

 

David hadn’t realized how badly he’d needed that hug. He isolated himself, yes, but he was still lonely. Could he still say he was when he’d chosen isolation? He thought so…

Alex rested his chin on top of David’s mop of wild hair, and wished he had the right words. He wasn’t the chattiest person, but he liked to think that when he did speak, it was something that  _ added _ to the conversation. In that moment, he felt stumped. Every time he opened his mouth to offer comforting words, he closed it almost immediately, as if his lips were magnetic. 

Like Jason (and practically everyone), he felt wracked with guilt. He saw through David’s thinly veiled happiness at the party, yet he didn’t say more. Of all the times to stay quiet, why then? 

 

Eventually David was able to settle down, and pulled away from Alex with a guilty expression. The main one for putting that concerned, sad expression on his face, and the other for soaking his shirt in tears. Alex sat back down, watching as David wiped away the tears he’d struggled to produce for a long while. David wasn’t sure if numbness or that outpouring of emotion was preferred. Either way, he felt destroyed. 

“I’m sorry” David wept. “I fucked up. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this”. Alex acknowledged with a heavy feeling that David meant he wasn’t supposed to survive. 

“I’m grateful it did” Alex nodded, letting David know that he understood. David tilted his head slightly, eyeing his friend confusedly. 

“Are you mad at me?”

Alex assumed that from Jason’s demeanor, his words incited that question.

“No. Not at all. If anything I’m mad at myself” 

David bowed his head in shame once again, but felt consumed with relief that Alex wasn’t angry at him for his actions. He had every right to be, but he was calm and sincerity was in his eyes and words…

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault. Did you read my-“

“Yes”. It was heartbreaking.

David let out another sigh of gratitude and relief at not having to give an exhausting reiteration. 

 

“Thank you”, he mumbled, feeling awkward about having to even say that. It felt wrong. David looked down at his shaky hands, pulling at a hangnail that was on the verge of bleeding. Alex reached over to gently hold David’s right hand in a comforting gesture that both appreciated. The action caused the transition from uncomfortable to comfortable silence, just like how their moments spent together normally went. It eased David greatly, and he laid back against the pillows to get more comfortable.

 

As Alex ran his thumb over the back of David’s hand, the words he’d been searching for came out of his mouth without a hint of apprehension.

“I’m sorry it got to this point, but just know I’ll drop any of the stupid shit I’m doing to help you from now on, okay? You’re way too important for me not to”. At that, a ghost of a smile appeared on David’s face, and he nodded, knowing it was a good decision to see Alex. It even made him wonder if he should have called him before he…

“Thanks, Alex” He answered, gratitude clear in his voice. 

“No need” Alex smiled softly in return, steely eyes gone cotton soft.

Maybe one day when David was happy to be alive again, he’d be grateful to hear that Alex was the reason he didn’t die alone on his bathroom floor. 

~•~

After Alex left the room, David felt himself swimming with guilt. He was alone once again, save for Braden, whose duty was to watch David and make sure he stayed safe. David felt like a kindergartener, but there were more pressing matters. Like what he’d say to the therapist, who was due to arrive in probably an hour or two. While Alex had reassured David, like Jason, he insisted that he be honest.

Alex had said he had no reason to be ashamed and that God still loved him (David wasn’t the most religious person but Alex’s words were still sweet), and all… But it’s not like he wanted to be in a psychiatric unit. He still wanted to kill himself, that desire hadn’t magically disappeared. But his friends were  _ so _ willing to help, and be there for him, which only piled onto the mountain of guilt. It’d be that much more difficult the second time around, and what if he were to fail again? David couldn’t imagine himself feeling any lower than he already did, but if that were to happen? There had to be something lower than rock bottom.

Considering that David was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open, he decided a nap would be a good idea. As he began to drift, David hoped for the situation to work out in his favor, but pessimistically acknowledged that life hasn’t treated him kindly as of late. The world went black, but there wasn’t a certain girl around to make it any brighter.


End file.
